It's not that I think I need to justify my desire for pain. Because, honestly, I don't care if it sounds "wrong" or "weird" that I crave pain sometimes as much as sexual pleasure. And no, I do NOT identify as a masochist. Because nine times out of ten, I want pain with pleasure, more so the pleasure than the pain. But sometimes, I just crave the sting and heat of a really wicked spanking. I want to feel like I just almost can't take it any longer and then take a little bit more.
Not to push myself, like I want to constantly test my boundaries, more of just...I think I'm craving his dominance. I can't put into words how it feels when he dominates me. But I can describe a spanking that I need. I can describe how much I want to feel his hands hold me across his lap and feel his hand spank my ass until it's so hot and red and I can't stop wiggling and making animal noises. I can't put into words how much I need to feel his presence in my life. But I can write about how he speaks to me and it affects me. And I miss talking to him. But that doesn't completely describe what I need right now.
Now, on a side note. I know I always want/enjoy more pain under certain conditions. I need more roughness when I'm frustrated or too turned on. A good scene (flogging, spanking, rough sex, use of many toys and implements, et cetera) is akin to a good massage. And subspace is like a deep meditation. The rush of endorphins and lust and all the good things pumping through your body don't hurt either.
I know that I am a junkie, and Mr. G is my drug. I'm going through withdrawal bad. And Mr. G was very good to me. He even gave me permission to play a set amount of times, and I watched some porn and have taken care of business a few times. But really, it's like sprinkling water from a watering can onto a forest fire. Please, know, I'm not being ungrateful. I am so thankful that he always takes such good care of me. And he really has been very generous in the orgasm department, to try and compensate for his being out of pocket.
But there's even more reasons that I crave Mr. G doing unspeakable (and really fucking hot) things to me until I can't tell you my name. I've really had one of those days. Here's the main menu at my pity party:
* I lost my kid's hamster. It's loose in the house somewhere and I'm sure one of the dogs will kill it. Her reaction shattered my heart into pieces.
* This is the longest I have gone without hearing from Mr. G. Rationally, I totally get it. Irrationally, I feel like bursting out crying and then running and throwing myself onto my bed face first and sobbing in classic over-dramatic style.
* I'm always out of sorts when T is away. I don't sleep well and spend the nights just sort of rattling around our house, trying to get sleepy. Or I take a pill and end up being a total zombie the first half of the next day.
* I'm having PMS so bad, if I was a horse, they'd probably put me down. (and usually, when I have any kind of a physical ailment, I am NOT horny and do NOT want more discomfort. But I think today qualifies as a day I really need pain because of all the other reasons I have listed.)
* This is actually the second time I've typed this blog (and I think the first was better written and WAY funnier, of course) because the first time around, my new blog-on-the-go iPhone app did a magic trick and made it disappear. And I've had to retype it from scratch.
And now, I think I will go make some kind of a sad music mix and go boil myself in a hot bubble bath.
Signing off,
Depression Girl
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