Friday, January 28, 2011

Filthy Whore

Most people would cringe at being called such harsh words.  Those are actually two of my favorite words my Master utters.  I love the way whore sounds coming out of his mouth.  His accent, all that, but just the actual sound of it.  He has one of the dirtiest mouths I've ever encountered. (and I don't mean hygiene!  I'm happy to say he disproves the British have bad teeth stereotype.)  And that's saying something, considering I curse like a sailor.  Ever since Eddie Murphy's "Delirious" stand-up routine, I have loved the proper use of swear words.  Mr. G actually takes this to a new level for me because of the sexy words factor.  But also because the English have their own set of curse words and insult words that are fun and new and different for me.  The first time he called me a plonker, I almost peed my pants laughing!  A plonker?!  That's just fantastic!  Or a slag, that word came into my vocabulary from some Bridget Jones type book, but still a favorite.  Bell end, ball ache, taking the piss are more of my newly learned phrases that crack me up.

Still the one word that Mr. G says that makes me the happiest, wettest and most touches me deep inside is "mine".  I love hearing him use the possessive about me.  "My girl"  "My whore" makes me feel so special, so wanted.  Even if I do or say something less than bright and I'll call myself an idiot, he'll say something like "my idiot" and it makes me laugh and feel better.  As a matter of fact, we've been hanging around a little on Second Life and something so silly but that makes me so happy is just that he put "I am His girl" over my avatar in pink for everyone to see. 
Since this part of my life has to be secreted away and hidden from 90% of the rest of my life, I love having at least these two places where I am claimed, am owned by Him.  I know it sounds silly, but it really does mean a lot.

I used to get to play this game (now it's been ruined because I told him about it and he never willingly plays, dammit.  He knows I'm a randy slut, just looking for an excuse to get all heated up) where he starts telling me about something, how he's got to go clean his car, it's so dirty.  And I'd try to get him to say a few key words.  "How dirty is it, sir?  Is it filthy?  Really, really dirty?"  Now, I tease him and try to play my game but he sees right through it and just laughs at me.  It really doesn't take much to amuse me or turn me on and luckily my Master has a good sense of humor.

So here's where my blog gets a little strange.  On occasion my Master actually lets me have a play.  Here lately, it's solo, without him on the phone or skype or whatever more so than not.  Really, it gets hard for me to...I don't want to say get in the mood.  I'm always in the mood for an orgasm.  I could be sick as hell, barely able to get out of bed and if offered, I'd JUMP at the chance to have a play.  But I do try to...make it worth my while.  Since my orgasms are doled out like drugs in little paper cups in the psych ward, I try to make them something to last, not knowing when the next play is going to come.  But it's hard, being in my own head, trying to picture him, his voice, his body, what he does to my body.
I need to be in his presence so badly, to fill that coffer back up, remind myself what that's like so badly.  And so home movies he's sent me that have him with ex's in them.  I know how weird this is. 

I'm not an unjealous person.  I have my moments.  For example, once, snooping on my T's computer when we were dating and he was at work, I ran across naked pictures of his ex.  I can never unsee those pictures.  That skinny bitch with big natural boobs will forever be burned into my brain and to this DAY it makes me a little ill thinking about them.  But yet, Mr. G and these nameless girls who came before me really do the trick for me when I'm about to have a play (I am not a watching porn WHILE I play kinda person.  I like to watch a few clips and then go into my head and touch myself sans visual stimuli).  I will say that most of the time, I just listen to the audio, because he says a few key phrases that make me melt and drool and want to cum.  Even just hearing him breathing hard, that makes me want to get out my toybag and violate my body.  Because that's the funny thing, he's not a major talker while the sex stuff is happening.  So just hearing his breathing when he's getting close to cumming.....mmmmmm god.  That's good stuff.  So thank you, nameless dirty girls that preceded me.  You have helped me more than you'll ever know!

And here's a happy memory for me and a little bit of fun filth. 

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

To Whom Are You Addressing Those Statements?

I need to work on my etiquette. I need like a refresher course on how to speak to my Master. It's not that I don't always call him sir or Master. Minus one log I found before I was officially his where I say his first name in a chat, I have never used his first name (or last for that matter). I don't think it's appropriate and I'm sure Master agrees. I don't know if he ever gave this as a rule.  I should probably at some point write up my rules and post them here. That does two things, reminds me of my rules and it also shares them with curious people. I know I always have a nosey at other submissive's rules when they share them on their blog.

But back to my snippy or whiny or complain-y tone.  What the fuck, man?  Seriously.  I realize it almost as soon as I've said a disrespectful or snide or inappropriate thing.  I need to remind myself sometimes that although we do chat pretty often in a casual banter, I still have to think before I speak.  And I really have to think before I knock out a morning email that is full of whine.  Thankfully, my Master knows I would never intentionally disrespect him.  He also has a good sense of humor, so if I say something funny, he usually finds it funny.  Believe me, I know immediately when I've crossed the line of good slave to...mouthy slave.  But as surprised as I am to type this, it doesn't really happen often.

The lawyer in me really wants to point out this morning's email request, even though the tone and wording of the email was completely unacceptable, had value in that....I was raised in a family and now live in a family where we say goodnight.  Every.  Night.  I know not everyone does this.  And theoretically, Mr. G isn't a part of my family.  I just think about him before bed every night and usually almost immediately when my eyes open in the morning.  I could've thought of a much nicer way to tell my Master this, though.  And that is the point to this blog.

Thank you, sir, for calling me on my slack-ness and also for forgiving me.  I promise to remember that although you are someone that is within my tiny inner circle, you are not my friend, my boyfriend or my husband.  I don't think I can speak to you sarcastic or whiny and get away with it. 
Hopefully, writing this blog will help keep it fresh in my mind.  I hate not being a good girl.  I really do.  Thank you for keeping me in line.

Monday, January 10, 2011

The Fine Art of Polygamy

After reading two blog posts over at Blog I follow, Bunny Ramblings I feel necessitated to write this.  Otherwise, I'd write a ridiculously long comment, because her blog brings up a few things I really want to address.  She had talked in the first blog about how she doesn't "get" polygamy and how she feels sad for anyone who can't get everything they want/need from just one person.  I felt obliged to comment on the first blog and then after she wrote a second, my comments got much more wordy, so I thought I'd better address it here.

The first thing is that she is right in her assessment of me.  I most certainly have not *chosen* poly in and of itself.  Yes, what my lifestyle qualifies as, most certainly would fall under polygamy.  I wouldn't say inherently that I was "built" for poly.  The silly thing is, I really do consider myself a monogamous girl.  I try my very hardest to be incredibly dedicated to my husband and my family.  And I also try my hardest to be a good girl, a good slave, and just generally make Mr. G proud.  When discussing what it is we have, my husband, t has a hard time thinking we're in a polygamous relationship.  And t deals with the fact that his Mistress has other submissives, as well.  To him, *that* is a polygamous arrangement, not what our marriage is.

You will not ever hear me say having two relationships is easy.  I don't think having one monogomous relationship is easy. Let alone a monogamous relationship with kids.  Let alone a D/s relationship.  But I have to say, we are all pretty good at open communication, and we're all learning as we go.  Luckily, both of the men in my life are genuinely amazing men and have good senses of humor and can roll with the punches, so to speak.  This wouldn't be nearly as low stress if they weren't adaptive, as well. 

With t, you have to understand.  It adds SO much to our relationship.  He is truly my best sub buddy.  We give each other pep talks all the time.  When you've fucked up, gotten punished (or worse, are about to) and you feel like shit, who can commiserate more than another subbie that loves you?  I feel so lucky to get to share that side with him.  I love helping him have his lightbulb moments.  Or when I just remind spoiled bratty him (who also reminds spoiled, bratty me) that it's not about t's pleasure or what he wants to do.  It's about serving Her and pleasing Her.  So I get to, as a best friend, watch t be taken care of and held accountable and really learn and grow as a submissive.  I could never give him that.  Although, I do at times have a sadistic side, I really don't enjoy dominating him.  I love seeing him so fulfilled and happy and taken care of in a way that I don't have it in me to do.

And he and i are close because he listens to me mope when Mr. G and i haven't had much contact and entertains me and completely understands what it's like to be addicted.  He also covers for me in the evening when I've spent hours and hours being mommy and just need a few to talk to Mr.G.  How can you not love a husband that does that?  I try not to be bitchy when our daughter is in Captain Destructo mode and he's finally getting a chance to chat online with his Mistress.  It's a give and take, in that respect, as well.

And, well, Mr. G?  I have to say he's had to adjust a LOT.  He's never had a slave that had a husband.  But he knew I did from the moment he met me.  There's times I'm not available to him because of familial or work responsibilities.  This is when he understands but is not understanding.  I know that there's times my relationship or closeness to t might get under Mr. G's skin.  I have learned in the last six months that *how* I say things is sometimes more important than what I'm actually saying.  And also, Master wants to encourage the health and happiness of my marriage (because the funny part is, He and i wouldn't be so beautiful if we lived together.  In Mr. G's own words "we'd kill each other.")  And I couldn't let myself worship him the way I do if he didn't have a family of his own.  I would never have let myself get so attached to a single man, with no wife or kids.  It wouldn't have been fair to t.  So I am still working on not being so spoiled and pouty when i have free time, but my Master is busy with his family.  And I'm thankful he has an amazing wife and it makes me happy to know he's taken care of and happy at home.      

Jealousy and insecurity, I think I'll save for another post as this has turned into a treatise on polygamy...

Sunday, January 9, 2011

My E-mail to My Master Last Night (Posted With Permission)

I am being your very good & self-controlled girl and going to sleep instead of staying up til the wee hours of the morning talking to Ms. T. Nights I don't talk late with you I need to get more sleep.

I just had to write this to you.  You might even have *that* effect on me more than you ever did. It's kind of like a near-death experience, wanting/needing you seems more intense than ever. I can remember how your hands feel on my throat. I can remember wanting, aching for your cock inside me, in my mouth, my pussy. I can picture your hands both places very distinctively. My ass needs your hot hand prints. I crave pain for you. I don't crave the pain, per se, but the look of sadistic pleasure on your face as you hurt me is enough to drive me to the brink of orgasm. I want to take whatever you want to give, Master. I want to present my body to you for your use and abuse and pleasure more than I have ever wanted to before.

As I type this, I'm kneeling in my closet. I can feel my body just craving your touch, your bite, your pinch, your slap. I want every one of my holes filled with your cock and your cum. I want you to feel like you may not even have another orgasm in you for days, because I have helped you cum so good, so many times in me and on me that the satisfaction lasts for days and days.

I feel my breathing getting harder just thinking about your cock buried in my throat, you deciding when I will get air again. You scare me and thrill me and rule my whole universe with your words, your hands, your cock.
Sorry this sounds artsy. I feel like crawling around naked and just begging you to please let me cum. God, sir, I want to cum for you so badly. So so badly. I love hearing you tell me I can cum and when I do, that I'm a good girl. God just typing that has me moaning, wiggling my hips and feeling my pussy clench with need. God, I need you, sir.

I need to cut this off now before I melt my feet and then my carpet. I love you with every inch of me.
Your nonpoetic slave

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Confessions of a Recovering Orgasm Addict

I'll say until I'm blue in the face that my slavery, the slave part of me, what makes me love BDSM and slavery in general is not about the sex.  But let's be real.  As with most people, my first exposure to anything D/s or BDSM was through sex.  At least the first 100 things I read about this alternative lifestyle were works of fiction written as masturbation fodder.  Until I really started exploring other ways of showing my submission, that was all I knew. 

And recently, with the holidays and being at my in-laws for two weeks (and I adore my in-laws I'm one of the lucky few....but there is almost ZERO privacy there!) and the hustle and bustle of our busy lives and (as Mr. G put it) maybe being a little too complacent, I will admit it.  I started getting terribly lax in my slave duties.  I stopped doing what I call pro-active submission.  That's one of the things I love most about my submitting to my Master.  He never orders me to do things (unless it's like the other night on skype when he just said "tits" and I knew it was time to start the show).  I do have rules that I must adhere to.  But when I am "assigned" a task, it's really more of him saying "I'd really like it if you'd..." or "you could really help me out by..." which makes me even more eager to do it.  I love that he doesn't abuse his power by talking to me in his Dom voice all the time.   But then again, I love it so very much when he does talk in his Dom voice.  And quite frankly, I crave it like a heroin junkie.

I know, I've touched on this before.  But in case I haven't explained it thoroughly, what I call his Dom voice is when he talks to me in that way, that Masterly, Masterful, do as I say now kind of way that makes me immediately wet, panting, sometimes moaning and almost completely incapable of speech.  Don't get me wrong, this doesn't HAVE to be something sexual that he says.  One of the most powerful things he's ever said to me was when I was being too casual over something and said something like "maybe I won't" half teasing and he said "you'll do as you're fucking told" in such a way that there was no doubt in my mind that I'd do as I was told.

So when I booked my ticket for my next trip to see him (holy shit I still can't believe i get to see him again, it's not totally real to me yet) and he flipped the switched, started talking in his Dom voice and saying things he was going to do to me as soon as I was there again, I almost died.  It had such an effect on me, it made me start to think more about my theory that he can make me cum without ever touching me.  It was so intense, the next day just *thinking* about what he'd said made me almost have to pull my car over because I realized operating an SUV on a toll road, driving 65 miles an hour and going into sub fog isn't a safe thing to do.

And it also lit a fire under my ass to start my food journaling again.  And start exercising more. (two requests of his I am guilty of neglecting.)  I have nine weeks now to seriously make a difference in this body that I will present to him.  And although, he's seen me before, I just want him to want me and treasure me and feel proud of me as his slave like he never has before.  Plus, there is such a huge connection in my brain between feeling sexy and being more fit.  And his Dom voice, wow, that makes me feel sexy and slutty and dirty.  It makes me want to dance on a pole for him or make more movies and take more pictures for him.  It makes me want to beg to get to please him, to get to help him cum, to beg for my own orgasms.   It brings out the deepest darkest part of me, makes me want pain and pleasure and hunger for him like no other hunger there is.

But more than that, it makes me more conscious again.  I'm living more consciously through my slavery.  I am more aware of the activities I do throughout the day, not necessarily because I will tell him every mundane thing I've done, seeking his praise.  But more because I want to be the good wife, good mommy, good person that then gets rewarded by getting a trip over to England to see him.  I know how lucky I am and I want to show it to the people in my life, so they know how treasured they are and how much my happiness pours out of me onto them because of my slavery.

So I will vehemently argue that it's not all about sex for me.  I'm actually having less orgasms than I've ever had since I was 12. Mr. G likes to point out how much more productive I am now and I can't argue with that.  But what I will say is that feeling that sub fog feeling, feeling wanton and slutty and under his control makes me afterwards want to do laundry and clean the kitchen and pick up the 100's of toys on the floor....and do all of these things with a big smile on my face and a song in my heart.  Of course, the song is Nine Inch Nails "Fuck you Like an Animal" so I mostly just sing the lyrics under my breath.

Friday, January 7, 2011

Please, Let Me Serve You

I haven't been writing a lot lately because of being off on vacation and distracted with life and busy holiday stuff and such.  But also, I've been struggling to find my voice and find the proper balance between sharing and privacy.  Life's ups and downs and issues that come up make me wish I could write and write all my thoughts and experiences, but the fact that there are other people's lives involved keeps me effectively gagged. (and not in the best way.)  If it were just me writing about my thoughts and feelings, I'd be an open book.  So I sometimes censor myself so effectively that I don't write a thing at all. 

But something that made me feel so good, so submissive, like I have had a medal placed upon my chest that says "World's Best Slave" is such a small thing, I feel silly writing about it.  Mr. G and I have a very modern version of a Master/slave relationship.  I have my rules that I follow and on occasion he gives me a writing assignment or a task.  He knows my life is crazy busy on a good day so he never tries to give me busy work or tasks that don't actually serve a purpose.  So when he asks me to do something, I know it's something he genuinely wants done and it feels great doing it for him. 

So this silly little thing that was my Mount Everest was....finding "The World's Strongest Man" competition video for Master to watch.  I know, it doesn't really sound like much.  And I'm a researching and Internet Sherlock Holmes.  A good portion of my job is finding the spellings of obscure things and I pride myself on my surfing prowess.  So when Mr. G asked me a week or more ago to find this for him, I was like, no problem, I'll have that back to you later.  Only to find that of course it's not as easy as just googling it or finding it on Youtube (as it turns it, it is that easy, I just had to keep checking back like a psychopath, every day for over a week!!).  I still don't understand how this company doesn't market and sell DVDs. 
And Master would tease me, too, about not finding it or wanting to watch it.  When I finally found a real link of the actual event and not just highlights, I emailed it to him and felt like I just did something so amazing and important.  Even just typing this sounds ridiculous to me, but it's true.  When I told him I found and emailed him the link, his "good girl" were two of the most amazing words I've ever heard spoken.  I felt like I was on top of the world!
And I know this isn't just me.  T was telling me the other day how great it feels to be useful to his Mistress by setting timers for her when she's cooking and needs a timer set.  He said it makes him feel so good to be able to do such a little thing for her, knowing it's something she needs done and being able to do it.  This feeling of pride and accomplishment is such a rarity in our adult lives.  Usually, with work and home committments, the point is that you've done what needed to be done.  It was expected and you just move on to the next thing on the to-do list.  Hearing Mr. G say he was impressed and that I'd done a good job was such a satisfying feeling.  Feeling like you're a good slave when you've just made your Master cum for the 3rd time that day is sort of a given.  That is a satisfying feeling of a different sort.  Feeling like you're useful or that you contribute to your Master's life in a positive or helpful way is almost a deeper, more meaningful emotion.  Even if that just means he can now watch ridiculously beefy men pick up and run with the biggest fucking boulders you can imagine.