Die-cot-oh-me (phonetics)

Dichotomy is one of my favorite words.  I am such a word nerd that, yes, I have favorites.  Sometimes, when someone uses one of my favorite words, it just immediately puts me in a good mood or brings a smile to my face.  My Master has increased my favorite word list exponentially.  And I don't even mean naughty, wicked words that make my knees weak, my mouth dry, and my pussy soaking wet.  That, I believe, is a completely different blog.  No, I'm just talking about learning all his British words for things and funny, colorful sayings (I've noticed they use "piss" in many, many different contexts!)  

Back to the point of this blog.  Me loving dichotomy.  I love wearing a boring, conservative suit for work and with it, a super hot pair of heels.  I love that the other night, I went out for dinner with my vanilla friend and my Master made me put a toy inside my pussy to remind me of him the entire time.  Nothing like talking about kids, work, husbands, et cetera, and to move in my seat, feel the toy move in and out of me and I tried my best not to moan or let my eyes roll back in my head, or grab my nipples hard.....no I did none of that. 

And here lately, just speaking has been a double-edged sword for me.  Sometimes I speak so quickly (and this can be my fingers speaking for me, as well) that I get myself in trouble because I say the first ridiculous thing that pops into my head and end up wishing I'd had a gag in my mouth (or fingercuffs, I suppose?  for the stupid shit I say in IM/text)  It's unbelievable how much I love words and how often they betray me and come out so fucking completely wrong. 

And at the other end of the spectrum, there are so many times I WANT to say something and can't.  For example, I find myself longing to say things to complete strangers, I want to say how "my Master" said that Stella Artois beer is called wife beater and here I thought it was kind of a classy beer.  I want to tell all my friends at work how I cannot fucking WAIT to be with my Master, get to spend a week with him, get to be the slut and the slave that I know I need to be in order to feel like I'm truly living the life I was meant to lead. 

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I'm not also meant to lead the stable, busy, comfortable, conservative life that I lead on a day-to-day basis.  I just want to immerse myself in my slave life.  I want to truly feel like his prized possession. (don't get me wrong.  Mr. G does an AMAZING long-distance job.  I do truly feel as though I'm his.  He makes sure somehow, in some way, I feel special and treasured and wanted every single day.)  I just haven't really physically trusted someone besides T with my life, my body, my.....innermost vulnerable me....in a *really* stupidly long time.  Playing with/for Mr. G remotely as I have, has most certainly affected me.  I don't know if other people can go into sub space when they're not physically *with* their Master, but I most certainly can.  I lose the ability to speak, sometimes to the point of just breathing so hard, I sound mid-workout.  But the idea of literally being at my Master's whim for like....12 straight hours or something....Jesus, that actually almost excites me to the point of pure terror. And to bring this blog full circle, I've, once again, got dichotomy.

Island in the Sun

Robinson Crusoe was one of my favorite books growing up.  I think it was the sense of adventure.  But at the same time, I love also knowing how things are going to work out.  Adventures are truly scary sometimes, all kinds of new and different things happening.  And don't get me wrong, I love excitement.  But I find that I also need reassurances that everything is going to be all right.  Reminds me of a great saying I saw on a corkboard at my office, "Everything will be all right in the end.  If it's not all right, it's not the end."  And truly, everything *is* all right, even though nothing is ending, things are just evolving...but I digress.

What I meant to be talking about was being on a deserted island.  Because that's what I feel like today.  Granted, I get Master more than any slave could ever expect.  He is so thoughtful and goes out of his way to *show* me how important I am to him.  And that means more than any words anyone could utter.  But even so, Mr. G has his own busy life, leaving me lots and lots of time on my own, sometimes too much time to think.

Plus, my oh so thoughtful and generous (I'm not just kissing your ass, either, Sir.  I mean this!) Master let me cum like a bazillion times last night.  And said there were more forthcoming this weekend whilst T is away (to comfort me, I'm sure, and that's so awesome that he takes care of me like that)  So I think after feeling SOOOO good....so high....it even lasted through the night into this morning.  Then I started to feel the other side of feeling euphoric.  I started to feel a little like...inexplicable dread.  I know it's irrational and not based in reason.  I know sometimes it happens after I feel sooooo good.  But that doesn't stop me from getting all in my head and neurotic and starting to think daft (working on my proper English) thoughts.

And usually, I have T to bounce things off of.  He and I are so technologically connected, it's probably not a good thing.  We usually chat all day every day.  And I promised myself I wasn't going to disturb him with my own frivolous nonsense this weekend.

And before I immersed myself into being His Girl, i used to have at least a couple girlfriends that I'd call or IM with on a regular basis.  (And I know you're here, MsT, but I feel dumb having the *same* conversations with you over and over where i say stupid irrational things and you laugh and say snap out of it)  And now, seriously, I feel so different from my former vanilla self.  I don't even feel like I have anything in common with anyone anymore.  All I want to do is talk to or about my Master.  Luckily, he enjoys that I'm obsessed with him.  And I have also found that I can keep stalker girl at bay for a weekend at a time, having visited some relatives lately.

But I don't sit and gab with my relatives as much as I do with my girlfriends.  Or used to, that is.  The worst part is, I'm proud of my life now.  I'm (minus this deserted island phenomenon) so ridiculously happy.  My life is fuller than it's ever been.  I feel more myself and more fulfilled than I ever really could have imagined. I feel like it's dampened a bit by not having anyone to share it with.  Usually when something good happens in my life, I have a whole bunch of people around me, celebrating with me.  And granted, I had already really drifted away from my sister and most of my closest friends in general before T & I turned our lives into what they were meant to be.

And honestly, if I didn't think I'd lose everyone in my life that loves me (and also judges me), I'd tell everyone, let the chips fall where they may.  I feel like if you love me, you love me being happy, living my best possible life.  But vanilla's don't get the inherent need a true slave or a true Master feels when the inner tuning fork is whacked and you know deep in your soul who and what you are.  To them, it's cheating on your spouse.  And sexual deviance.  And I don't see the need to ruin my family's network of people that love and care for them just for my own selfish and childish need to brag about my amazing Master.  Or have bowling double dates or something.

And MsT had mentioned Fetlife, but honestly, I LOATHE forums.  When I have to read something and it's a "thread" type format, I'm instantly not interested.  Add to that, I hate most people because they're opinionated idiots who judge me and everyone else.  Even in the BDSM lifestyle, there's a wide range of opinions on things and I hear enough fucking debating at work every day.  So those kinds of anti-social thoughts don't really lend toward having a big group of people I can talk to on a daily or semi regular basis.
(And once again, Ms. T, I know I can call you, but you don't ever call me either so don't guilt me!)

And I know I'm complaining.  And I'm saying I'm the happiest I've ever been.  And the cool part is, I'm allowed.  I'm a chick.  I'm complicated.  I can feel diametrically opposed emotions simultaneously.  Luckily, I do have a busy life and don't have tons of time to be all Woody Allen neurotic and worry myself into a total panic attack.  Plus, my Master really does always know exactly what I need to hear at any given moment and says it.

Compounding this isolation feeling, my job is such that there are many days I work at home.  Don't get me wrong, I love this aspect of my job.  I can make more money most days, in my pajamas, sitting on my couch, than lots of people make sitting in a cubicle in an office all day.  But this definitely adds to my not having very many social outlets.  Not that I would talk about this with people I work with anyway.  It just adds to the deserted island feel.

And also, this is self-imposed.  But I hate lying.  So weekends T is away, I just hunker down and avoid/ignore people.  I would rather hide from people for a weekend than have to lie and feel awkward about it.  So even people that I might let myself have dinner with or swim in the pool with, I avoid like the plague.

And I know in my heart that T is happy and he's not going anywhere.  And the time he spends away is just giving me my time going to England.  And I want that for he and I so badly.  I want us fulfilled.  I want all of us involved (T & I and our Significant Others) to get to live the lives we were meant to live.  We *all* deserve this kind of happiness.  I just wish i had someone else in my life, who was happy for us and could relate, someone who leads a more BDSM life.  Someone I could hang out with, with Mr. G.  And someone who would be happy for me and encouraging.  I guess right now that person just has to be me.  Yay, me!

Spontaneous Combustion

As I have already stated, my Master is teaching me the fine art of life without cumming.  (I know, sir, I know.  A week is not an eternity like I make it out to be)  At least he has told me there's an end to my waiting, given me a day.  So now I know I can make it because I am his good girl and it's only one more day. (and I've learned that begging, whining and crying about it either disappoints him or pleases him in a sadistic way, so why be pathetic?) 

But in the meantime, he pushed *all* the right buttons on the phone yesterday.  I mean to say....I was panting and moaning.  I clenched my thighs together so tight for so long, before long they were shaking.  I certainly don't need a thighmaster workout gadget.  All I need is a week without cumming and my Master whispering wicked, wonderful things in my ear.  I honestly got so hot and out of control bothered, I think I could've cum without physically touching my pussy. (this has happened to me before, once in a wet dream and some other unmentionable time)  I really was so out of it, I almost felt....relieved afterwards.  Even though I didn't actually have an orgasm, i felt like being soooooo turned on, reduced to rubble; i.e. completely unable to form words or do anything but moan and pant in his ear while I clenched my thighs together and writhed around on my couch, one hand holding the phone to my head, the other holding onto the other side of my hair/head so that my hand wouldn't stray into my pants!

Fuck me.  Seriously.  Telling me things like he's going to inspect me after washing, different ways he's going to violate my various holes, rude, wonderfully fucking amazing things.  These are things I've fantasized and written erotica and dreamt about.  And it's not like he's got some checklist of my wants and he's just running through the script.  That's the beauty part.  Our wants/needs in the BDSM realm just really pretty much line up.  We're so lucky in the compatibility department.

And add to these things that I desire more than another breath of air, the fact that these dirty, naughty things are being spoken by his amazingly sexy voice.  (I'm so auditorially stimulated...for most men and probably some women, it's about the visual, but for me, it's the sounds) God damn it.  I'm about to clench my thighs just typing it now.  And my inner thighs are a bit sore, I'll tell you.  So this is a good thing.  Getting to feel like I'm going to explode, (so close to cumming, it's almost like you're right on the edge and just hanging there) getting to connect with him in an intimate and fucking filthy way, AND getting much more toned inner thighs!  It's a win, win, win situation.

And this weekend is my weekend alone.  I am so happy for T and MsJ, though.  And I look at it like I am earning my time with him.  Then any inconveniences always seem worth it.  Plus, I'm so well taken care of by my Master.  Even though we both have busy lives and there's a five-hour time difference, I think it works in our favor because we both get plenty of homelife time AND we get lots of alone time with each other, as well.  If I lived there or he lived here, I don't think I'd want to work or do my duties here at this house.  I'd just want to "follow" Mr. G fulltime.  And thank Allah (ha ha) for modern technology.  Thanks to virtual phone numbers, our phone calls are practically free!!  Life is good....

A Learning Curve

I recognize that with every fantastic reward, there is always sacrifice.  You don't get where you want to go in life without paying some sort of a price.  And nothing worth having isn't worth a little struggle to get.  I could be talking about any number of things.  Working out, having a more fit physique.  Or working hard and getting ahead in your career and making lots more money.  But instead, I'm talking about being a good slave to my Master and being obedient and not thinking about cumming 45,000 times a day.

I admit.  I have a problem.  I'm addicted to masturbating.  I've been doing it almost every single day since I was 12.  And probably, really, most days more than once.  And when I say masturbating, I don't even just mean rubbing one out.  I pretty much would cum between 4-12 times a day.  Every.  Day.  And okay, I'll admit, seeing those numbers put in front of me like that does make me see that's a bit excessive.  I mean, I realized not that long ago that not every woman even really wants to cum every day. (I was shocked at that!)  And I also know that playing with myself was my go-to stress reliever, distraction from difficulties, and just generally what I do when I'm bored or can't sleep.

My Master is teaching me some very important lessons.  One of which is I'm a terribly selfish girl and I need to be more concerned with His sexual satisfaction and His contentment than my own.  And it's true.  I do want to make him cum every single day.  Multiple times a day.  And maybe then I could have a play, too.  I realize this may seem like an ulterior motive and I'm not saying I want him to cum SO I can cum.  Merely that I think we should both cum a few times a day.  The world would be a better place if everyone had a few more orgasms.  I know it sure puts me in a good mood and makes me less inclined to punch people in the neck.

But it's also come to my attention how MUCH TIME I've been wasting playing every day.  Even if I only stop my day for ten minutes here or fifteen minutes there.  A couple of those little mini sessions a day and I'm looking at close to an hour.  And of course, after a good solo play session, I'm not exactly at peak performance as far as brain function and efficiency, so you have to factor in the I've just cum four times and I'm lazy syndrome.

And I love giving Mr. G control over me.  I love who I am, being his.  I'm not only a less self-indulgent person, I also just generally take better care of myself.  I don't drink too much or eat junk food nearly as often.  I am conscious of how I present myself, knowing I represent Him in the world now.  And I am more conscious about not wanting to be rude.  (The fact that Mr.G is British and terribly polite helps.  I am, in fact, a loud, rude American and I hate that about myself.  I wish I could be quiet and demure, but that's not really my personality.  But I do find myself toning down quite a bit and not interrupting people even half as much as I used to.) 

But I have been struggling with this orgasm thing.  And don't get me wrong.  My Master is a generous man.  He definitely could be cruel and literally break me by never letting me cum again.  Or saying I can only cum when I'm *with* him (i.e. a few weeks a year or so)  But even so, just going from that cumming as many times as I want a day to cumming only when he says I may is still very difficult for me.  I want to be his good girl more than anything in the world.  And I love when he gives me tasks to do, to improve myself as a person and as his slave.  I feel so weak and slutty when I admit to him that I've not even been able to practice kneeling for him because I didn't trust myself to get naked or anywhere near my toys.  And he knows I'm weak and have no self control.  That's why he's trying to help me with this.  But it's like whenever you pray for patience, then everything in the universe works to test your patience to show you how much patience you truly have. 

It's just so odd for me.  I don't know how else to say it, but odd.  Because on the one hand, he reduces me to a quivering mass of flesh that just surrounds holes that need filling by him.  He can say something to me that makes me want to take my clothes off and beg him to fuck me now, please.  Just his control over me, telling me I can't cum unless he says I can, turns me on!  Now, isn't that the shit.  I can't cum, but being told I can't only makes me want to more.  And I hate hearing the disappointment in his voice when I talk about wanting to cum.  And he's right, it's just cumming.  It's not like he's said I can't drink water ever again or I can't eat solid food ever again or something.  But I can get myself worked up into a good tizzy, wanting to so badly, obsessing over it, really.  Almost like a food addict, planning my next meal.  I wonder when and how he may let me cum next.   I know this sounds pathetic and sad and I acknowledge that.  I'm lucky to have Mr. G in my life, helping me realize there's more to life than orgasms.

Isn't that ironic?  I am leading what most would say is an alternative sexual lifestyle, only to be learning the lesson that sex isn't everything.  I just wish exercising was as cathartic as cumming.  I've been trying to convince myself that a good workout is just as rewarding as a good play, even more so.  My pussy seems to disagree.  But, alas, my pussy doesn't get to have a say anymore, unless it's merely, "Thank you, sir."

Time to start the countdown clock....

66 days. Wow. In 66 days I will spend a week with my Master. This is so exciting, intense, amazing. I can hardly believe it. And yet, I'm not surprised, I knew from the moment I fell for Mr. G that I would be making a trip across the ocean to kneel at his feet and present myself to him properly. But at the same time, having an itinerary and reservation and everything makes it all so very real.
 

And it feels so real. I know there are a lot of D/s type relationships out there that are internet only or internet and phone only and I'm sure they feel very real, as well. But what I feel for my Master has sort of altered my entire existence. It has been such a short time and yet I feel like he knows me better than most people that have known me all my life. He is so in tune with my feelings and emotions it's actually frightening sometimes. But at the same time, it's so comforting. Times when I'm just not quite right and I think he's busy and unreachable and then he's online asking me “are you okay?” it's truly mind boggling. Because I wasn't okay and I really needed him. And then when I realize I can't think of exactly what, if anything at all, I needed to say to him he said “it's okay. You just needed me to be here.” and that was exactly it. And that one example is the perfect example of how he gets me and gives me exactly what I need even when I don't even know what it is that I need.

I probably think about him more than a nun thinks about Jesus. I also look at his pictures and reread his emails way, way too much. And then I feel silly doing these things. But when I tell him I've read his emails three times that day, he's like “oh, that's all?” and I realize in our relationship, I'm allowed to be obsessed with him, encouraged even. And it's all new again for me. I've been married to T for so long and our relationship is/was so different, I was never his stalker. (Mr. G and I have decided his follower sounds much less criminal) So feeling intense love, wanting to talk to him or look at him or hear his voice every single day and feeling a bit like a druggie when I get five hours of webcam, only to find myself pouting the next day because I don't get more than a dozen emails is all still new feelings for me. And I'm spoiled. I know this. I'm lucky that I get so much of his time. He's incredibly busy! Oh, and that pesky five hour time difference. It's so funny that one the one hand, I worry tremendously about his lack of sleep but then pout if he's tired and I don't get to chat or webcam with him at night.
 

So, refocusing on what I started this blog saying.  I have 66 days to make my ass smaller, my kneel prettier and to wait oh-so-patiently to be touched by this Master who I worship.

By Way of Introduction

Please, allow my to introduce myself. I'm K, His girl. I'm your average 38-year-old, with a busy career and very full family life. I am happily married and have a pretty fun, normal home life. I also have given myself to my Master, who is also very busy with work and his family life. He also happens to live on another continent from me. Sound complicated? Well, I suppose it is and it's not. It's very simple, really. My Master and I discovered that even with our fantastic family lives, we were missing something. For me, it was having someone to serve, someone to own me, someone to whom I'm always accountable. (for him, it was having all this from the opposite perspective.)

So my husband and I are both natural slaves (submissives, slaves, I don't get all hung up on the vernacular. I use the words I like.) T and I met after we had each delved a bit into the local BDSM scene. He really only went to like a munch and a club. I was pretty involved in the local scene for over a year, had a couple M/s relationships (I will talk more about this later. This is way more involved than your simple introductory blog. And I've already written a story a while back and I may just make it a post here on this blog, too.) So a mutual friend introduced us (T & I), saying she knew we were both submissive, but we were two of the nicest people she knew and she wanted to be a matchmaker. She was right. We've been happily together for the last eleven years, married for the last seven years.

Then a few months back, T and I were talking. We were discussing missing having BDSM in our lives. We've always had a fantastic sex life, but it was really just kinky sex. One of us would “top” the other and one of us would “bottom”. But we started discussing the idea of serving other people. We had long discussions about what we could deal with, jealousies, insecurites, (mostly all mine.) And lucky for us, we weren't single long. He and his Domina and me and my Master have both roughly been together about a month. And minus completely insane, irrational and sometimes really laughable thoughts, it hasn't been as complicated as one might think.

I also know in my heart and soul that I have never felt more fulfilled, more alive in my own skin, more apart of my own life. I really feel like finally now I am living the life I was meant to be living.  And I also haven't ever seen T so happy. I think it makes us better people all the way around, better spouses, better parents, better at our jobs and better people in the world. We are both much less selfish, whether we're following the orders of our owners or just trying very hard to be the very best we can be, to represent them well in the world and maybe even make them feel proud to own us. I love seeing my husband have someone share all of his kinks and such and enjoy them with him to perfection. I love that he has everything he needs and I can see it on him most days. He seems more himself, too. It's not just me.

I am about to book my first trip to go spend a week with my Master in the UK. I'm so excited, I might spontaneously combust! I also am excited, as I have roughly 9.5 weeks to get my ass in the best shape of my life. Biggest Loser workout/diet, here I come! Seriously, the thought of being naked in front of my Sir (he's seen me on webcam enough that he knows what I look like, but still....) makes me want to start doing crunches right here as I type! Talk about your diet/exercise motivator!

I also want to post a little bit of my fiction. I want this blog to be a journal, an outlet, maybe even a community for me. I love reading the blogs I've discovered so far and once I am not obsessively looking at plane tickets, I might have time to read/write a little more. I need to feel that I'm not doing this alone. I love my life but it's really weird also, having this double life. I feel like a superhero. By day, I'm Clark Kent, by night, not so much Superman as this super naughty slave girl, having a better sex life and more satisfacation in that respect than probably 90% of married women! But all I think and want to talk about is Him (T is used to this at this point and pastes on his smile and nods) and I only have one girlfriend (Love you, Ms. T!!) who I can talk to about anything nonvanilla. So I feel like I don't want my old girlfriends anymore. I want new ones. Hopefully I'll meet some through this blog. I could use some good girl time...