Robinson Crusoe was one of my favorite books growing up. I think it was the sense of adventure. But at the same time, I love also knowing how things are going to work out. Adventures are truly scary sometimes, all kinds of new and different things happening. And don't get me wrong, I love excitement. But I find that I also need reassurances that everything is going to be all right. Reminds me of a great saying I saw on a corkboard at my office, "Everything will be all right in the end. If it's not all right, it's not the end." And truly, everything *is* all right, even though nothing is ending, things are just evolving...but I digress.
What I meant to be talking about was being on a deserted island. Because that's what I feel like today. Granted, I get Master more than any slave could ever expect. He is so thoughtful and goes out of his way to *show* me how important I am to him. And that means more than any words anyone could utter. But even so, Mr. G has his own busy life, leaving me lots and lots of time on my own, sometimes too much time to think.
Plus, my oh so thoughtful and generous (I'm not just kissing your ass, either, Sir. I mean this!) Master let me cum like a bazillion times last night. And said there were more forthcoming this weekend whilst T is away (to comfort me, I'm sure, and that's so awesome that he takes care of me like that) So I think after feeling SOOOO good....so high....it even lasted through the night into this morning. Then I started to feel the other side of feeling euphoric. I started to feel a little like...inexplicable dread. I know it's irrational and not based in reason. I know sometimes it happens after I feel sooooo good. But that doesn't stop me from getting all in my head and neurotic and starting to think daft (working on my proper English) thoughts.
And usually, I have T to bounce things off of. He and I are so technologically connected, it's probably not a good thing. We usually chat all day every day. And I promised myself I wasn't going to disturb him with my own frivolous nonsense this weekend.
And before I immersed myself into being His Girl, i used to have at least a couple girlfriends that I'd call or IM with on a regular basis. (And I know you're here, MsT, but I feel dumb having the *same* conversations with you over and over where i say stupid irrational things and you laugh and say snap out of it) And now, seriously, I feel so different from my former vanilla self. I don't even feel like I have anything in common with anyone anymore. All I want to do is talk to or about my Master. Luckily, he enjoys that I'm obsessed with him. And I have also found that I can keep stalker girl at bay for a weekend at a time, having visited some relatives lately.
But I don't sit and gab with my relatives as much as I do with my girlfriends. Or used to, that is. The worst part is, I'm proud of my life now. I'm (minus this deserted island phenomenon) so ridiculously happy. My life is fuller than it's ever been. I feel more myself and more fulfilled than I ever really could have imagined. I feel like it's dampened a bit by not having anyone to share it with. Usually when something good happens in my life, I have a whole bunch of people around me, celebrating with me. And granted, I had already really drifted away from my sister and most of my closest friends in general before T & I turned our lives into what they were meant to be.
And honestly, if I didn't think I'd lose everyone in my life that loves me (and also judges me), I'd tell everyone, let the chips fall where they may. I feel like if you love me, you love me being happy, living my best possible life. But vanilla's don't get the inherent need a true slave or a true Master feels when the inner tuning fork is whacked and you know deep in your soul who and what you are. To them, it's cheating on your spouse. And sexual deviance. And I don't see the need to ruin my family's network of people that love and care for them just for my own selfish and childish need to brag about my amazing Master. Or have bowling double dates or something.
And MsT had mentioned Fetlife, but honestly, I LOATHE forums. When I have to read something and it's a "thread" type format, I'm instantly not interested. Add to that, I hate most people because they're opinionated idiots who judge me and everyone else. Even in the BDSM lifestyle, there's a wide range of opinions on things and I hear enough fucking debating at work every day. So those kinds of anti-social thoughts don't really lend toward having a big group of people I can talk to on a daily or semi regular basis.
(And once again, Ms. T, I know I can call you, but you don't ever call me either so don't guilt me!)
And I know I'm complaining. And I'm saying I'm the happiest I've ever been. And the cool part is, I'm allowed. I'm a chick. I'm complicated. I can feel diametrically opposed emotions simultaneously. Luckily, I do have a busy life and don't have tons of time to be all Woody Allen neurotic and worry myself into a total panic attack. Plus, my Master really does always know exactly what I need to hear at any given moment and says it.
Compounding this isolation feeling, my job is such that there are many days I work at home. Don't get me wrong, I love this aspect of my job. I can make more money most days, in my pajamas, sitting on my couch, than lots of people make sitting in a cubicle in an office all day. But this definitely adds to my not having very many social outlets. Not that I would talk about this with people I work with anyway. It just adds to the deserted island feel.
And also, this is self-imposed. But I hate lying. So weekends T is away, I just hunker down and avoid/ignore people. I would rather hide from people for a weekend than have to lie and feel awkward about it. So even people that I might let myself have dinner with or swim in the pool with, I avoid like the plague.
And I know in my heart that T is happy and he's not going anywhere. And the time he spends away is just giving me my time going to England. And I want that for he and I so badly. I want us fulfilled. I want all of us involved (T & I and our Significant Others) to get to live the lives we were meant to live. We *all* deserve this kind of happiness. I just wish i had someone else in my life, who was happy for us and could relate, someone who leads a more BDSM life. Someone I could hang out with, with Mr. G. And someone who would be happy for me and encouraging. I guess right now that person just has to be me. Yay, me!
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