Confessions of a Recovering Orgasm Addict

I'll say until I'm blue in the face that my slavery, the slave part of me, what makes me love BDSM and slavery in general is not about the sex.  But let's be real.  As with most people, my first exposure to anything D/s or BDSM was through sex.  At least the first 100 things I read about this alternative lifestyle were works of fiction written as masturbation fodder.  Until I really started exploring other ways of showing my submission, that was all I knew. 

And recently, with the holidays and being at my in-laws for two weeks (and I adore my in-laws I'm one of the lucky few....but there is almost ZERO privacy there!) and the hustle and bustle of our busy lives and (as Mr. G put it) maybe being a little too complacent, I will admit it.  I started getting terribly lax in my slave duties.  I stopped doing what I call pro-active submission.  That's one of the things I love most about my submitting to my Master.  He never orders me to do things (unless it's like the other night on skype when he just said "tits" and I knew it was time to start the show).  I do have rules that I must adhere to.  But when I am "assigned" a task, it's really more of him saying "I'd really like it if you'd..." or "you could really help me out by..." which makes me even more eager to do it.  I love that he doesn't abuse his power by talking to me in his Dom voice all the time.   But then again, I love it so very much when he does talk in his Dom voice.  And quite frankly, I crave it like a heroin junkie.

I know, I've touched on this before.  But in case I haven't explained it thoroughly, what I call his Dom voice is when he talks to me in that way, that Masterly, Masterful, do as I say now kind of way that makes me immediately wet, panting, sometimes moaning and almost completely incapable of speech.  Don't get me wrong, this doesn't HAVE to be something sexual that he says.  One of the most powerful things he's ever said to me was when I was being too casual over something and said something like "maybe I won't" half teasing and he said "you'll do as you're fucking told" in such a way that there was no doubt in my mind that I'd do as I was told.

So when I booked my ticket for my next trip to see him (holy shit I still can't believe i get to see him again, it's not totally real to me yet) and he flipped the switched, started talking in his Dom voice and saying things he was going to do to me as soon as I was there again, I almost died.  It had such an effect on me, it made me start to think more about my theory that he can make me cum without ever touching me.  It was so intense, the next day just *thinking* about what he'd said made me almost have to pull my car over because I realized operating an SUV on a toll road, driving 65 miles an hour and going into sub fog isn't a safe thing to do.

And it also lit a fire under my ass to start my food journaling again.  And start exercising more. (two requests of his I am guilty of neglecting.)  I have nine weeks now to seriously make a difference in this body that I will present to him.  And although, he's seen me before, I just want him to want me and treasure me and feel proud of me as his slave like he never has before.  Plus, there is such a huge connection in my brain between feeling sexy and being more fit.  And his Dom voice, wow, that makes me feel sexy and slutty and dirty.  It makes me want to dance on a pole for him or make more movies and take more pictures for him.  It makes me want to beg to get to please him, to get to help him cum, to beg for my own orgasms.   It brings out the deepest darkest part of me, makes me want pain and pleasure and hunger for him like no other hunger there is.

But more than that, it makes me more conscious again.  I'm living more consciously through my slavery.  I am more aware of the activities I do throughout the day, not necessarily because I will tell him every mundane thing I've done, seeking his praise.  But more because I want to be the good wife, good mommy, good person that then gets rewarded by getting a trip over to England to see him.  I know how lucky I am and I want to show it to the people in my life, so they know how treasured they are and how much my happiness pours out of me onto them because of my slavery.

So I will vehemently argue that it's not all about sex for me.  I'm actually having less orgasms than I've ever had since I was 12. Mr. G likes to point out how much more productive I am now and I can't argue with that.  But what I will say is that feeling that sub fog feeling, feeling wanton and slutty and under his control makes me afterwards want to do laundry and clean the kitchen and pick up the 100's of toys on the floor....and do all of these things with a big smile on my face and a song in my heart.  Of course, the song is Nine Inch Nails "Fuck you Like an Animal" so I mostly just sing the lyrics under my breath.

Craving Submission

I had a very happy and full life before I went seeking Mr. G. I know this sounds hard to believe to some people. They might ask, “if you were so happy and your life was so good, why did you seek out a Master?” Well, this is a complicated question and one that doesn't just involve my own needs. I will try my best to answer it.

I married my best friend. I knew he was someone who being around made me a better person. He is my partner in every way, shape, and form. And he and I are a great team. We balance one another out and really work hard at being here for one another. Part of this comes from what we've added to our lives. Knowing that there must be balance for this to work, T and I work very hard at engaging with one another, as opposed to just living in the same house, like roommates.

But we also knew when we met, dated and married that we were both submissives. Even in the beginning of our relationship, we had discussed having something similar to what we have going on now (finding Dominant others to fulfill our submissive sides). But then, I was much too insecure about having any form of an “open” relationship. I also felt like I had just found an amazing man and I certainly didn't want to go sharing him with anyone else.

But we are both true submissives. I, personally, identify with “slave”. Don't get me wrong, having a Master as well as a husband (and T having a wife as well as a Domme) is complicated. There are times the balancing act that I always feel I'm performing goes terribly wrong. If I've been too wrapped up with Mr. G and serving him and have been neglecting my family, then they get hurt and irritated with me. If my family demands makes me unavailable for Mr. G (even though he inherently understand my familial obligations, he can't help but be bothered by the fact that his slave isn't there for him when he needs her) then there's issues there. I can't make everyone happy all the time. I just try my hardest and hope for the best.

So this most certainly isn't like a traditional 24/7 live-in Master/slave relationship, where when I'm a good homemaker and a good wife, Mr. G reaps any of the benefits. And my being Mr. G's slave probably distracts me from my homelife on occasion. But the balance that I try attain is when I am Mr. G's good girl by being an excellent mommy and wife to T. I try to do menial house chores when I'm on the phone with Mr. G (instead of always just laying on the guest room bed in the dark dreaming about rainy England and being naked and trapped under his incredibly strong body.)

So needless to say, there are times when I'm busy living my vanilla life and craving submission. I inherently need to submit. Although, I do love being dominated, really what fulfills me is submitting to Mr. G. I know that my T gets fulfilled submitting to 

Ms. T's requests, as well. This balances us out, completes us. But since I live on a different continent from Mr. G, it's not like I can just kneel at his feet whenever I need to fill that submissive craving. And he understands I lead a very busy life, as well. He doesn't assign me lots of tasks or assignments in my serving him. He just expects me to be his good girl and that is what I strive to do.

All the blogs I read have been posting about proactive submission or slavery. And this is something I try to practice. I feel like in a way, I'm an employee of Mr. G's. My job is to serve him in whatever capacity he desires. But, like a good employee, if there's something I think of to do that might help me better serve him, I wouldn't hesitate to suggest it. I don't think of it as topping from the bottom because I am not telling him what to do, nor am I telling him what I am going to do that's going to better suit my purposes. I am merely making a suggestion of how I might better please him. How is this topping him? Would a boss feel a power struggle if an employee offered ideas on how they could do their job better? And ultimately, it is his decision anyway. I don't expect Master to always implement a suggestion, only that he listen. The final vote is, obviously, his.

So although I used to feel silly just going and kneeling for him without him requesting it, I find that it always puts me in my happy slave place. I also find that when I tell my Master I've knelt for him today, he is always pleased and usually tells me I'm a good girl or thanks me for doing this for him. Does this mean I'm topping from the bottom, because I kneel on my own without him asking me to? I don't think so. I think that it's my job as his slave to stay healthy and happy (and best able to serve him). And if kneeling on my own, centering myself and getting in touch with my slave-ness helps me be a happier, more productive person, then I'm going to do it until he tells me not to.