Craving Submission

I had a very happy and full life before I went seeking Mr. G. I know this sounds hard to believe to some people. They might ask, “if you were so happy and your life was so good, why did you seek out a Master?” Well, this is a complicated question and one that doesn't just involve my own needs. I will try my best to answer it.

I married my best friend. I knew he was someone who being around made me a better person. He is my partner in every way, shape, and form. And he and I are a great team. We balance one another out and really work hard at being here for one another. Part of this comes from what we've added to our lives. Knowing that there must be balance for this to work, T and I work very hard at engaging with one another, as opposed to just living in the same house, like roommates.

But we also knew when we met, dated and married that we were both submissives. Even in the beginning of our relationship, we had discussed having something similar to what we have going on now (finding Dominant others to fulfill our submissive sides). But then, I was much too insecure about having any form of an “open” relationship. I also felt like I had just found an amazing man and I certainly didn't want to go sharing him with anyone else.

But we are both true submissives. I, personally, identify with “slave”. Don't get me wrong, having a Master as well as a husband (and T having a wife as well as a Domme) is complicated. There are times the balancing act that I always feel I'm performing goes terribly wrong. If I've been too wrapped up with Mr. G and serving him and have been neglecting my family, then they get hurt and irritated with me. If my family demands makes me unavailable for Mr. G (even though he inherently understand my familial obligations, he can't help but be bothered by the fact that his slave isn't there for him when he needs her) then there's issues there. I can't make everyone happy all the time. I just try my hardest and hope for the best.

So this most certainly isn't like a traditional 24/7 live-in Master/slave relationship, where when I'm a good homemaker and a good wife, Mr. G reaps any of the benefits. And my being Mr. G's slave probably distracts me from my homelife on occasion. But the balance that I try attain is when I am Mr. G's good girl by being an excellent mommy and wife to T. I try to do menial house chores when I'm on the phone with Mr. G (instead of always just laying on the guest room bed in the dark dreaming about rainy England and being naked and trapped under his incredibly strong body.)

So needless to say, there are times when I'm busy living my vanilla life and craving submission. I inherently need to submit. Although, I do love being dominated, really what fulfills me is submitting to Mr. G. I know that my T gets fulfilled submitting to 

Ms. T's requests, as well. This balances us out, completes us. But since I live on a different continent from Mr. G, it's not like I can just kneel at his feet whenever I need to fill that submissive craving. And he understands I lead a very busy life, as well. He doesn't assign me lots of tasks or assignments in my serving him. He just expects me to be his good girl and that is what I strive to do.

All the blogs I read have been posting about proactive submission or slavery. And this is something I try to practice. I feel like in a way, I'm an employee of Mr. G's. My job is to serve him in whatever capacity he desires. But, like a good employee, if there's something I think of to do that might help me better serve him, I wouldn't hesitate to suggest it. I don't think of it as topping from the bottom because I am not telling him what to do, nor am I telling him what I am going to do that's going to better suit my purposes. I am merely making a suggestion of how I might better please him. How is this topping him? Would a boss feel a power struggle if an employee offered ideas on how they could do their job better? And ultimately, it is his decision anyway. I don't expect Master to always implement a suggestion, only that he listen. The final vote is, obviously, his.

So although I used to feel silly just going and kneeling for him without him requesting it, I find that it always puts me in my happy slave place. I also find that when I tell my Master I've knelt for him today, he is always pleased and usually tells me I'm a good girl or thanks me for doing this for him. Does this mean I'm topping from the bottom, because I kneel on my own without him asking me to? I don't think so. I think that it's my job as his slave to stay healthy and happy (and best able to serve him). And if kneeling on my own, centering myself and getting in touch with my slave-ness helps me be a happier, more productive person, then I'm going to do it until he tells me not to.