Confessions of a Recovering Orgasm Addict

I'll say until I'm blue in the face that my slavery, the slave part of me, what makes me love BDSM and slavery in general is not about the sex.  But let's be real.  As with most people, my first exposure to anything D/s or BDSM was through sex.  At least the first 100 things I read about this alternative lifestyle were works of fiction written as masturbation fodder.  Until I really started exploring other ways of showing my submission, that was all I knew. 

And recently, with the holidays and being at my in-laws for two weeks (and I adore my in-laws I'm one of the lucky few....but there is almost ZERO privacy there!) and the hustle and bustle of our busy lives and (as Mr. G put it) maybe being a little too complacent, I will admit it.  I started getting terribly lax in my slave duties.  I stopped doing what I call pro-active submission.  That's one of the things I love most about my submitting to my Master.  He never orders me to do things (unless it's like the other night on skype when he just said "tits" and I knew it was time to start the show).  I do have rules that I must adhere to.  But when I am "assigned" a task, it's really more of him saying "I'd really like it if you'd..." or "you could really help me out by..." which makes me even more eager to do it.  I love that he doesn't abuse his power by talking to me in his Dom voice all the time.   But then again, I love it so very much when he does talk in his Dom voice.  And quite frankly, I crave it like a heroin junkie.

I know, I've touched on this before.  But in case I haven't explained it thoroughly, what I call his Dom voice is when he talks to me in that way, that Masterly, Masterful, do as I say now kind of way that makes me immediately wet, panting, sometimes moaning and almost completely incapable of speech.  Don't get me wrong, this doesn't HAVE to be something sexual that he says.  One of the most powerful things he's ever said to me was when I was being too casual over something and said something like "maybe I won't" half teasing and he said "you'll do as you're fucking told" in such a way that there was no doubt in my mind that I'd do as I was told.

So when I booked my ticket for my next trip to see him (holy shit I still can't believe i get to see him again, it's not totally real to me yet) and he flipped the switched, started talking in his Dom voice and saying things he was going to do to me as soon as I was there again, I almost died.  It had such an effect on me, it made me start to think more about my theory that he can make me cum without ever touching me.  It was so intense, the next day just *thinking* about what he'd said made me almost have to pull my car over because I realized operating an SUV on a toll road, driving 65 miles an hour and going into sub fog isn't a safe thing to do.

And it also lit a fire under my ass to start my food journaling again.  And start exercising more. (two requests of his I am guilty of neglecting.)  I have nine weeks now to seriously make a difference in this body that I will present to him.  And although, he's seen me before, I just want him to want me and treasure me and feel proud of me as his slave like he never has before.  Plus, there is such a huge connection in my brain between feeling sexy and being more fit.  And his Dom voice, wow, that makes me feel sexy and slutty and dirty.  It makes me want to dance on a pole for him or make more movies and take more pictures for him.  It makes me want to beg to get to please him, to get to help him cum, to beg for my own orgasms.   It brings out the deepest darkest part of me, makes me want pain and pleasure and hunger for him like no other hunger there is.

But more than that, it makes me more conscious again.  I'm living more consciously through my slavery.  I am more aware of the activities I do throughout the day, not necessarily because I will tell him every mundane thing I've done, seeking his praise.  But more because I want to be the good wife, good mommy, good person that then gets rewarded by getting a trip over to England to see him.  I know how lucky I am and I want to show it to the people in my life, so they know how treasured they are and how much my happiness pours out of me onto them because of my slavery.

So I will vehemently argue that it's not all about sex for me.  I'm actually having less orgasms than I've ever had since I was 12. Mr. G likes to point out how much more productive I am now and I can't argue with that.  But what I will say is that feeling that sub fog feeling, feeling wanton and slutty and under his control makes me afterwards want to do laundry and clean the kitchen and pick up the 100's of toys on the floor....and do all of these things with a big smile on my face and a song in my heart.  Of course, the song is Nine Inch Nails "Fuck you Like an Animal" so I mostly just sing the lyrics under my breath.