I am a masochist?

I can't get my head around this.  I am starting to really think I might be a masochist. (is there a quiz somewhere at like the BDSM version of the Oprah magazine?)  I have always merely considered myself submissive.  And then, more recently have identified myself as a slave.  I have just never really even considered that I'm a masochist.  And maybe I'm not.  Maybe it's truly just my inherent need to serve, to fulfill his desires.  But I have found myself more and more lately craving him hurting me, marking me, making me sore and worn out.

I think my problem with the word masochist is because, to me, it evokes visions of needles, or emotional abuse (I am so not an emotional masochist), both of which make me feel a little queasy.  See, that's all baggage from my past.  Before I discovered the wonderful world of bdsm, I used to always fall for the bad boy, the alpha male, the possessive, jealous, mindfucking dirt bag.  I didn't realize I was a submissive (slave) seeking out her Master.  So instead, I bumbled along and dated some serious headcases.  As I evolved and matured, I turned into a woman who would rather be alone than be with someone who is alpha and controlling and sadistic and out to destroy me.

So then I discovered this safe haven of bdsm.  I completely identified and was enamored with the d/s part of the bdsm realm.  I love the b/d part, as well.  And although when I was single, I toyed a bit with some sadists, really, that didn't appeal to me.  And I was afraid it was too easy for me to fall back into my old pattern of the type of men I was attracted to.  

Fast forward to now.  I find many times lately instead of thinking of the sex or even the loving cuddles, I think a lot about needing to hurt for him. Taking whatever he has to give in any form; spanking, biting, slapping, pinching.  I guess it's because I feel safe enough as his girl, who is loved and cherished as his slave that I can go to these darker corners of my fantasies. I find wanting pain more than I'm even wanting pleasure.  I crave seeing that look of pure intensity on his face and hearing his sadistic chuckle.

I guess even someone who is completely at ease with being considered a masochist doesn't stub their toe and moan in ecstasy.  But when Master said to me the other day how he can't wait to mark my body again, it touched me in such a primal need, making me want that more than air or sex or chocolate.  And how I know it's a good sadist in him?  My litmus test of sorts is how I feel after he's been sadistic to me.  And always, I feel good about myself, even if humbled or made to feel more submissive, I never ever feel that icky bad about myself feeling that you get when dealing with a not-so-controlled sadist.

It scares the hell out of me, too. That I love a sadist. That I trust my heart and my world to a sadist. Luckily, Mr.G is very controlled and also a very loving Master. But it doesn't go unnoticed how I usually loathe being teased or laughed at. But I love to hear his sadistic chuckle so much, times when he's teasing me or poking a bit of fun, I don't go to my defensive and therefore witty sharp comeback girl place.  Instead I feel a little....humbled, put in my place.  Hearing his sadistic laugh brings out something in me I don't think I knew I had.

Upon looking at my favorite dictionary site online, I found a few widely ranging definitions for masochist.  Macmillan says:  someone who gets sexual pleasure from being hurt. (well, I do get soaking wet when he spanks me)  Merriam-Webster says:  1. a sexual perversion characterized by pleasure in being subjected to pain or humiliation especially by a love object, or 2, pleasure in being abused or dominated; a taste for suffering.  (this one is so far all over the place.  what exactly is a "love object?  and I'm pretty positive I don't like suffering).

Then I stumbled upon this definition, on dictionary.com.  It says: 1. (psychiatry) the condition in which sexual gratification depends on suffering, physical pain, and humiliation.  2. gratification gained from pain, deprivation, degradation, etc., inflicted or imposed on oneself, either as a result of one's own actions or the actions of others, especially the tendency to seek this form of gratification. 3.  the act of turning one's destructive tendencies inward or upon oneself. 4.  the tendency to find pleasure in self-denial, submissiveness, etc.  (oh, so masochism is a psychological condition? and i always turn my destructive tendencies inward.  And I *do* find pleasure in submissiveness and more specifically, serving a sometimes sadistic Master.)
 
So I end this blog back right back where I started.  Am I a masochist?