Friday, September 10, 2010

The Elephant Skeleton In My Closet

***This is a repost from my old blog.*** 

Let me state that this blog post is NOT written for sympathy. If I get a single “Oh, honey, I'm so sorry” comment, I will block you and you will never be allowed to comment again. I'm serious. I have mourned this and healed from it and moved on. I still believe I'm one of the luckiest girls in the world and I lead a pretty charmed life.

I, also, realize that there are lots of huge changes going on in my world right now and it's brought up a lot of emotions and such.  Ever since T and I joined collarme.com, it's sort of been in the back of my head, that I'm going to have to deal with this (or at least talk about it). I've been hoping I don't run into anyone I knew from back then. And hoping that if i do, no one tries to talk about the past. Time heals for sure. And I really believe that M sent me T, sort of like he's my guardian angel. Because T is the best thing that's ever happened to me and I don't think I would've/could've wanted to know T if it hadn't been for M.  (***as an addendum, this is a post I wrote a few months ago.  I also don't think I could be the slave to Mr.G that I am now if I hadn't experienced everything in my past.  I am who I am because of what I've been through.)

So let me just jump right into it. I was dabbling in the local scene. I had moved back to the area and was big into online and chatrooms and the like. There was a local munch and local chatrooms and I started taking part. I met some really cool people, some scary people, and a lot of overweight, unhappy, and redneck-y people. (sorry, I'm not this much of an asshole, but it's true) Then I met M.

First we chatted online for a bit. He was apparently newly single (his actual divorce wasn't finalized yet but he'd been living separately for months) and VERY high on the local bachelor market. There were a bunch of subbies buzzing around him.
When we met face to face for the first time, I remember thinking he's actually even cuter than his picture! We hit it off bigtime. He pretty much stopped talking to all the other subs as soon as we met face to face. There was so much chemistry. I remember the first time I had either no clothes or little clothes on in his presence. I was getting into my friend's hot tub and his hand just grazed my back, my shoulder actually and I swear there was electricity. We played this little game where he just barely touched me (now that I think about it, I know I had no top on because he was almost touching my nipples and I felt like they were going to jump off my chest) and everyone around was like, wow. That's intense.

And it was. I fell super hard for him. He was definitely nothing like I'd ever known before. This was during my period of meeting super nice Dom guys, just recently down on their luck in one way, shape or form. And M was no different. The divorce and some domestic crap had caused trouble at his work and he had one of the most stressful jobs a human being can have.   But he and I had so much fun. We talked on the phone for hours and hours.  We would chat online every night we weren't together.  We spent every weekend together (we were living about an hour and a half away from one another). We went to a bdsm club a few times. We went to a couple house parties and played. And minus the nasty subs who were jealous and catty because I'd landed him, I felt like we were doing amazingly well, with each other and within the local scene (which he and his soon-to-be ex wife had also been a part of). We even had people say to us afterwards (I'm not bragging, I'm just trying to explain how intense it was) that watching he and I play was some of the hottest they'd ever seen. He and I just really connected. 

We had even gotten to the point where he was going to “collar me.” He had this leather work guy measure my neck and he described exactly what he wanted made. We were going to have a collaring ceremony and everything. We hadn't specifically calendared it, but it was going to happen soon.

And then, three days before Thanksgiving, I get a call from his roommate. I was driving home from work and still don't know how I got home. He told me M had killed himself the night before. He shot himself in the head in his vehicle on a dead-end road. He even read his suicide note to me. (I was mentioned and I don't even remember what it said, something like “I know you'll find what you really need” or something of the sort.

So, needless to say. I know what it feels like to have a cannonball blown through the middle of my body. I'm pretty sure I was in shock for months. I only took a week off from work but then had to pick myself up and get back to it. I definitely had a mourning period for some time. And not only did I lose him, but then everything in the local scene had lost its fun for me. I felt like a widow and everyone felt so sorry for me. I had people say so many kind things to me but hearing their sadness (for my loss or theirs, he was very liked within the community) only made everything worse.

I didn't completely give upon on the local scene immediately. I even had a few relationships with some men after M but before T. I found that now I was only playing with subs who would switch. I didn't want to Domme them, I always seemed to force them to Dom me. I also had a fling with a local Dom who, for the LIFE of me, I can't figure out his appeal (Ms. T can attest to this. He really is a smarmy little weasle of a guy) but he could look at me and I wanted to be naked and kneeling. There was one fellow who was so much fun to play with but he had been a good friend of M's and it became evident that he and I had fun together but weren't long-term relationship material.

And then I was lucky enough to meet T. And I'll tell that story some other time. And T is my rock of Gibraltar. I have never felt so safe and so sure of who I am to him and who he is to me. And the funny thing is, due to recent developments in T's life, I know even more that his stick-to-it-ness is stronger than ever.

But I guess I needed to talk about this. Put it out there in the universe so maybe now I can move on. It's one of the reasons why I don't even really look at local Doms. I don't want to run into an “old friend” or anything of the sort. I need this. T needs this. We are loving letting our inner sluts/subs out of the closet. But being so vulnerable, getting into philosophical discussions with my Friend, as well as playing and being a slut for Him has made me realize I'm dealing with some seriously deep shit.

So yeah. I have some emtional baggage, apparently. I have this irrational fear of being left. I'm working on it by writing this. By putting it out there in the universe and saying I survived this to be a better, stronger person. 

And if anyone wonders if I ever thought about ending my life. I'll answer that, too. Never. Not for one second. And it's not some deep religious belief or anything like that. I just know that I'm here for a reason and it's not for me to decide when I'm done. Even when things were the bleakest, when I woke up in the morning and felt like a robot, just going through the motions, suicide was never ever an option for me. I eventually got to a pretty good place of knowing that what M did was for reasons that had nothing to do with me. I had talked to him for two hours the night he shot himself and couldn't have possibly “been there” any more for him. I learned the fucking hard lesson that you don't cause other people's actions. We all make our own choices. I never felt guilty or responsible for his death because I know I was the only happiness he had in the last few months of his life. And for that and that life I've gotten to lead since then, I'm thankful.

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