I do not consider myself a masochist. When I say I crave pain, it's really more that I crave sensation. I crave my Master's touch and some pain/pleasure type of thing. Unless I am so frustrated or so turned on, a little pain (biting my nipples, squeezing my ass/tits) is more than enough. Especially when accompanied by fucking or finger fucking. That's really what I love.
But I am my Master's slave. I am not just in this for what I get out of it. Quite the contrary, really. I'm lucky that my master loves seeing what a whore I am and loves making me cum (and knows that I really love to cum and cum and cum until I'm a drooling, babbling idiot)! Because I exist (and play) for his pleasure, for his desires. I was reminded this a few times on my visit. Three specific incidents come to mind almost immediately when I think about really meeting Mr. G's sadistic side.
And don't get me wrong. There's times when he's been teasing me and I've realized it's because he's in a sadistic mood and I'm an ocean away and he can't physically get at me so he needles me mercilessly and enjoys watching me squirm. Plus, he's had me stand and present myself to him on web cam and he can SEE the struggle on my face, the discomfort, the pure uncomfortableness I feel when exposing myself like that. But really meeting the sadistic side of sir had to happen in person.
These are in no particular order. The first incident of my Master's sadism was in the form of face slapping. Now, mind you, I have filled out the likes/dislikes, limits worksheets. He and I have discussed at great length what we like and don't like in play. So he knew very, very well that face slapping wasn't something I considered a limit, but not exactly a big turn on either. I think I ranked it at like a 3 or 4 out of 10. Even at the time he said it was more of a 7 for him, which I knew was a bad sign.
So there he was, slapping me in the face and just looking at me, watching me react. I know I can safe word at any time. But let me explain something about the safe word for me. I think of the safe word as exactly that, a word for SAFETY. It's not a this isn't turning me on word. Or a this is very uncomfortable and I don't like it word. It's a SAFE word. I am to use it so that I don't let my Master damage his property (me). I have actually never safe worded in my life. I have said “I think I'm about to pass out” which was equally efficient at ending the scene. But to me, I don't look at the safe word as a switch to flip when I'm not having done to me what I fantasize being done to me. The safe word is a word of protection, so that Master doesn't hurt me in a way that he doesn't mean to.
So needless to say, I'd never safe word over something like having my face repeatedly slapped. But I was really, really not liking it. And there he was, smiling and smacking me. He said the look on my face was shooting daggers at him. I don't remember looking so hatefully at him. I do remember, however, thinking FUCK, I HATE HAVING MY FACE SLAPPED. But that's the point to all this for me. It's not about my pleasure. And if my master gets a kick out of pissing me off and slapping my face until I'm royally pissed off, that's his prerogative. Plus, it was terribly degrading, having my face smacked over and over again like that. That was a turn on, even if the actual act of having my face slapped wasn't. If that makes any sense.
The next incident of sadism wasn't really in play at all. We were lying in bed naked, maybe even spooning a bit. And his hand was resting on my body and he just grabbed the most hated part of my body, my belly, and just squeezed. I tried to push his hand off, roll away and he pulled me back and pinned my hand under his body and he grabbed my belly again. I'm pretty sure he said it was his and he could grab it if he wanted to. Which made me stop trying to push him away and stop trying to escape. I will say I was so unhappy, having my ugliest part of my body grabbed like that. But I also conceded to his point that it's his and if he wants to grab it, I'm not in any position to stop him. So in a way, this meanness led to something really incredible. I felt very, very owned in that moment.
And last but not least is the wrestling. I have been looking forward to tussling with Mr. G ever since we started talking about “resistance play” a few months ago. I have never had a rape or kidnapping fantasy. It's just not something that does it for me. I like to say, “you can't rape the willing.” But when we began talking about not role playing of a rape or kidnapping scene, just wrestling; me trying to get him off of me or something like that, I was very very interested. Plus I'm a big UFC/MMA fan and I love watching two men struggle and wrestle. It's really hot in a gladiator kind of way.
So the wrestling occurred with us completely dressed. And yet it was SUCH a turn on. He had me pinned and I was fighting with everything I had to get him off of me. There were a couple times I felt like I even moved him a little. But the kicker of this was he was over me, holding me down, and just laughing the whole time. This was like throwing gasoline onto my fire! I wanted so badly to throw him off of me, to make him stop laughing so amusedly at me. And this only made him laugh more and hold me down harder. Seeing the pure enjoyment on his face and trying SO hard to unpin myself from the bed really brought out the fighter in me. I struggled so hard! I never did get unpinned. Although, I will say he thought I was pretty strong (for a girl).
But this battle, this struggle, even though he was laughing and I was fighting with all my might and not really moving him much, only ended up turning me on more! I felt like he was so strong, so powerful and so sadistic! He reached his hand into my jeans and found my pussy SO wet after this little wrestling match. I told him, it's funny, you can tell a guy is enjoying himself by his erection. But we, as girls, have just as obvious a gauge for how turned on we are, by reaching into our panties. Once he did, he could feel how totally soaked I was and how completely hot and turned on struggling with him made me. I'm only hoping next visit to struggle more, but maybe naked and with his cock inside me...
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