Along with the great highs of my trip, there were equally low parts. Some of it, in my opinion, was a bit of a letdown after a really intense, deeply satisfying scene. Some of it was the genetically instilled guilt that Jews in my family have handed down for generations. And some of it was worry that I was walking through a door in my marriage that I could never walk back through.
The last night I was there, I had gotten this panicky feeling. (me? panic?) I started to worry that this would be the last time I would get to spend face to face time with my Master. Let me just say that T had in no way even insinuated this. I just get freaky in my own head sometimes.
Now, I know I've touched on my vanity a bit. Besides the fact that I turn into a tomato, (red puffy) and really leak liquids everywhere, I also really just hate crying in front of someone, getting comforted while crying. I think this goes deeper than just vanity, though, because my mom says when I was little, I'd push her away when I'd get hurt and she would try to comfort me.
So it's stupid late/early. We haven't slept and are both worn out. Mr. G is heading home to get some sleep and help out with his family. I never for a moment will say a negative word about this. It genuinely makes him so much more attractive to me because he's not a shirker. Being a good husband/father is a HUGE turn-on for me. It was an insane balancing act for him that week and I actually got to see him more than I'd even thought I would.
And there I am, holding back a big ole girlie ugly cry. He's hugging and kissing me bye, gathering his phones, keys, putting on his jacket. I have a sob so big in my throat and I feel like it's about to spring out. I put on my fake smile and don't speak a word for fear the aforementioned sob will leak out.
He got as far as the hotel room door when all I did was take a ragged breath. He asked me, "you okay?" And I couldn't speak without some crying coming out in my voice. Without a word, he walked back in, took his coat off, put his things down and just climbed into the bed and held me as I cried. I cried for a good long time. And he just held me and helped me see everything was going to be okay. This was precisely what I needed at that moment even though I didn't know it beforehand. I think I even tried to persuade him to go because I felt it coming on. It really tells me not only how well he knows me, but what kind of an owner he is. He really takes responsibility for me and my well-being and I'm so grateful and feel so lucky.
And now that I'm back from my trip, I can say with a huge sigh of relief that my trip accomplished everything I'd hoped it would. I got to spend amazing time with my Master. I came home loving my life, my family. I feel lucky that this is my job, my day-to-day existence. I feel like I was missed and am more appreciated at home. And all the clichés like absence makes the heart grow fonder ring true.
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