I Won't Give up if You Don't Give up

(title is reference to one of my favorite Train songs)

I am not going to go into great details, because I do try not to cross that line of sharing too much and airing one's dirty laundry here. But I also know that blogging and writing has its benefits of therapy and also a small sense of a support group feel when another person writes about exactly what I'm feeling and therefore I feel less alone and less freaked out by my own feelings or someone comments that they've been where I'm finding myself.

So the delicate part of this particular blog is this week's issues weren't mine. The best way I can put it is Mr. G felt overwhelmed, felt like he was pulled in too many directions already, with his own family commitments and work and busy life. He felt so stressed and like he was not giving me enough attention. The frustrating part was it wasn't anything I said or did to make him feel this way. He is an alpha male, he sees what he sees and hears what he hears sometimes and feels badly he's not fixing things that aren't broken.

Luckily for me (and this blog) he picked me, he picked us. I am so very relieved. Because, truly, before that fateful conversation where the floor dropped out from underneath me, I'd been so happy, so content, so feeling like I'm making it all work. That made his confessions of unhappiness even more astounding to me. I thought we were doing great. It's serious work, being a good spouse, parent, and working a demanding job. Add to that another person's life and stresses and well-being. I get it. He is a good Master. He feels responsible to me and to my mental health and day-to-day life.

But he needs to recharge his batteries and not feel guilty that I'm feeling neglected. And I haven't been. He's so (not soft, not romantic, or mushy) thoughtful. He calls when he just has five minutes to say hi. He drops me an email and tells me he's thinking of me during a busy day. All that stuff goes a long way in my world. I get it when the kids are finally asleep and the wife isn't needing your attention, it's fucking KEY to have that unwind time, that recharge your batteries time; whether it be hobbies or just surfing Youtube. I'm lucky in that I can grab a bit of that here and there all day because for the most part I work at home alone.

So now my issues are two-fold. How do I say I love you and miss you when we're not talking but not imply that I think he's selfish for not *making* time for me right then?

And the real biggie is: how do I not censor myself? Not hold back for fear of being too much work, too high maintenance? He's told me not to. That he wants me to share everything, per usual. (This is where Mr. G might want to skip ahead. He doesn't want to hear about me not needing him or knowing I will live if we end.) But I'm a survivalist. I know that the thread of life can get snapped in a millisecond and then you never get to talk to someone you love ever again. I've survived the deaths of two people that really shaped my life. Losing my dad the way I did makes me know I can live through anything.

So I have some serious defense mechanisms. I'm a rip the Band-aid off quickly kind of girl. If something is going to happen, please, let it happen right now so that I can just start dealing with it. But I'm also a (mostly) rational adult and was able to sit back, give him time, and let him figure it out. Luckily, it was less than a week. And even during that time, he made me know he still loves me and was thinking about me.

And I have my weird shit, just like everyone else. I get anxious on Sundays. I don't know why. I just do. My sister does, too, ironically. When I worked at a job I hated, I got anxiety attacks so badly Sunday night, I was taking xanax regularly. Most Sundays now I just feel a general sense of dread and can deal with it by keeping busy. I know this makes no sense and I'm sure Mr. G feels doubly bad because Sunday is a busy day for him usually, with family, running errands and just generally being out and about. So I'm sure my "I'm feeling so weird and off" type emails really make him feel fantastic.

I already regret typing this much personal stuff. I'm actually thinking I don't want to post this. I just don't know how to be right now. I'm scared. I don't want to just go forward, like nothing ever happened. I am thrilled beyond belief that He thinks that owning me is worth the work.

I understand that I'm still His girl. He's still my Master. All the rules still apply. Now I just need to figure out how do I go back to being that secure, knowing He loves me and cares about me even when our contact is less girl without being afraid the next time I get PMS He's going to think, fuck, this is exhausting. I need to leave before she sucks me dry? I want the break we took this week to mean something, a lesson learned so we don't have to go through that again. Because I'm a survivor and all that, but this past week has sucked majorly. I know it hasn't been a picnic for Him either, so I won't dwell on that. I'd just love it if we could somehow communicate better what's going on before it gets to the I need some time alone to think of what I want place.

And if He wants me, but less of me. I can do that, too. I don't need to spill my guts to Him like I do, like this blog is. I can start privately journaling more, as opposed to emailing my every thought like I do now. I want to be His favorite toy, His porn star, His good girl.

***This was posted with Mr. G's approval and my great relief that it is a lesson learned as opposed to the end of a chapter of my life.