Orgy of One (***updated***)

I had such high hopes for my play tonight. Epic. I was going to fuck myself and cum until I was unconscious. I've been trapped in vanilla world so long, days and days, i started to think I'd forgotten what a filthy whore I am.

I even had a new ball gag to try. And even put myself in our handcuffs for a bit, just to get me in a nice place (and continue my bondage girl stretching techniques) Had my toy bag out, all my favorites spread out on the bed.

Yeah, I fucked my pussy (and ass) rather nicely. But the epic orgasm just didn't happen. I even tried to reset and give it another go after recovering from my *sort-of* orgasm. To no avail. Sometimes my clit just won't cooperate.

And I just feel like I'm in my head too much. I sh sh sh and quiet my panicky monkey brain. But really, it's that carnal, animal part of me that I need to tap into to have a truly satisfying play. And I can't shut it up long enough to just let go and fucking cum.

I almost feel like I've forgotten how to just cum for myself. I used to have reels of porn I could pull up in my head, a truly full spank bank. Alas, the coffers are empty. And honestly, this freaks me out more than not having a Sir to answer to. I've been playing happily and cumming since I was 12 years old. Minus health issues or very emotionally traumatic experiences, not much has thrown my game.

I know that this too shall pass. It's even very likely that I watch one of my favorite imaginary porn Doms (James Deen or Derrick Pierce) and have an orgy of one with multiple happy endings as early as tomorrow.

It has been pointed out to me by two different people in the last few days that cumming is much more important to me than most people. Maybe it's just like when you decide tonight I'm going to get really drunk (which never happens for me. In the last ten years I've only gotten stupidly drunk by mistake) and it just doesn't happen, almost like my own performance anxiety.

I am starting a new healthy diet plan tomorrow that promises some pretty serious results. Maybe something as simple as getting a bit healthier and more fit will shake me out of my pity party and turn it back into a super fun orgy of one.


****Adendum
And it only took me sitting and working with clothespins (under my bra and shirt), a gag, a buttplug (and then a dildo in my pussy when I realized I had to be completely full) for a while until the truly carnal me could come out to play.  Then I took a break from working to kneel with bike shorts on and holding my hitachi wand (a/k/a jackhammer) in place on my clit.  I went back to that story that's working its way out of my brain. All is, once again, right in my slutty needing to cum world.   We will now return to your regularly scheduled program.