A Jaded Optimist

I like to prepare for the worst and hope for the best.  I try very hard not to let negative thoughts or energy take up much of my time or space.  Life is too short to let some asshole cutting you off in traffic ruin your morning.  But at the same time, I've worked in a field where I see the lower 15% of society on a regular basis.  Oh, and I work with lawyers.  That alone could make me question the nefarious intent of everyone outside my tiny inner circle.

Sir and I had had a conversation a while back.  We were discussing how everyone is out for something.  There is something motivating every action (or inaction) people take.  And Sir is much more jaded than I am. At the time, way back when, I think I thought to myself I will prove myself to Sir.  I will show him I'm not a user kind of person, only doing things to achieve my wants and needs.  I am not, by any means, a selfless person.  I'm certainly less selfish than I was in my 20's, but that's also because I'm much more self-aware.  I like to think now that I know better, I do better.  And having a family makes me have to think of their needs as well as mine (whereas in my 20s, it was mostly about where can I go drink and hook up and other really worthy pursuits.)

So after spending a few months chatting with Sir.  That conversation came into my head.  And I began wondering what he thought my angle is, you know, what I was trying to get from him.  I was thinking more in terms of "see?  there are good, genuine people left in the world (me) who really are who they say they are and really do what they say they're going to do." 

So I asked him the question, Now that you know me, what do you think I want from you, Sir?  His response floored me.  Seriously fucking dropped my jaw.  And lends more credence to the Sir has ESP file.  He said "guidance, acceptance, approval, a caring but disciplined hand."  I could never have put it so eloquently precise.  Oh, that and seriously fucking dirty fantasies (and hope for more than just fantasy at some point).  Of course.