So Thankful to be Awaiting Punishment

I'm sure the title of this post is confusing. Especially if you've ever read my blog before and know that disappointing Sir and necessitating punishment is so deplorable to me, it just about makes me nauseous. And the waiting sucks. My imagination races, what will the consequences be?

The reason I am so grateful he's punishing me is because he cares enough to punish me. I fucked up. Big time. The reason the fuck-up is so bad is because it took me almost a week to confess to said mistake (cheating on my assigned eating plan). Let me say this now. I know omitting is the same as lying. And I fucking hate lying. Most people that have known me well would probably say I am fairly brutally honest. But Sir makes Honest Abe look a little shady. He is like the mayor of the city of Truthdom. I know dishonesty equals release.

i had been feeling very disconnected from Sir. And I got very in my head. (This is early last week, I reread my Snippets post and it's funny because I allude to my struggles) I self-harm. No, I don't cut myself (I get super woozy at the sight of blood). I eat. I know what I'm not allowed to eat. And I know eating said things will go against everything Sir and I are working so hard towards (my goals aren't so much a specific size or number more of a general range and a higher fitness level).

And then I finally got brave and wrote to Sir what was getting me so in my head. And he addressed it. Very straightforward. Very reassuringly. And then I felt like even more of a fuck-up. Because I felt more his and more on the track I want to be as far as learning and growing as his submissive. And here, I was lying to him about why I didn't lose a single pound last week. And it was eating at me. (Pun not intended, but kinda funny nonetheless)

I watched most of the Lance Armstrong interview on Oprah. And what struck me more than the cheating was the vehement lying. And even though I didn't hold a press conference and say "I never cheated on Sir's eating plan" I felt just as disgraceful. So it took me awhile to get up the courage to confess. But I knew I had to.

So I cried like a baby and wrote a confessional email. I was so beyond thankful that Sir addressed me immediately. Yes, he is unhappy (fuck! I hate that). But he said "I don't give up that easily" so I knew my release was not imminent. (BIG sigh of relief) then he said "you can't play today. Don't even think about touching my cunt." And that my punishment will come later.

In that one sentence, I might've felt more his than I ever have, I will face my punishment humbly and thankfully. Because I still get to be his.