Um...

There are times I am rendered speechless.  Don't get me wrong, it doesn't happen often.  I am too often very loquacious.  There are certain people in my world that I could talk with nonstop from now until the end of time and we'd never run out of things to talk about.

And I honestly don't even know anymore if it's some form of subspace or if i just get so turned on, the blood rushes out of my brain and into my nether region and I can't think.  And I don't even just mean when Master lets loose with filthy words and thoughts and orders.  The other day, he was teasing me about something very nonsexual and just having fun poking at me.  Then he laughed his sadistic laugh and I was left mute.  I went to that foggy place that his control takes me.  And here I am, being teased for being a cabbage, and I can't even speak. All I can do is breathe into the phone and eventually giggle like a moronic schoolgirl.  Luckily, Mr. G has seen me go to the foggy, can't talk or sound like Minnie Mouse when I do place enough times that me just grunting like "can't talk" and he knows he's pressed my slave button so hard I'm practically a zombie.

Which might even be what Master was teasing me about when I spaced out on him.  He keeps um...jokingly (I hope!) teasing me about us watching zombie movies on my next visit.  I really do hope he's just messing with my head.  I don't watch scary movies.  Haven't since "The Blair Witch" and "The Ring" scared me to my core and I slept with the light on in my bedroom for over a year.  I am afraid of the dark.  I have an overactive imagination.  Watching scary movies is detrimental to my health.  You *are* just teasing, right, sir?

So I wonder, what is that?  That dreamy, foggy place where there's always something right on the tip of my tongue but I feel like I've been wiped clean and I find myself consciously unconscious.  I'm pretty sure that's subspace.  Right?  And lots of times, my next reaction is wanting to be naked and crawling.  It usually takes me a bit to pull myself back together.  My only previous experiences with subspace and talking with others about it really only focused on the play aspect of subspace.  Like when you're tied up, gagged, blindfolded and like hurt then fucked.  That kinda subspace is completely understandable.

Master just mentally pushing my buttons and sending me off into subspace is truly amazing to me.  I guess it's silly that I'm so in awe of this.  It's been seven months since I became Mr. G's.  He's always launched me by talking filthy to me (he brings dirty talk to a new level) or speaking in a commanding way, using his Dom voice or something similar. And now it's fascinating to me, how his power grows and I go to that slave place from simply a sadistic chuckle.

Throat Raping and Other Romantic Gestures

I'm not a braggart. I am not terribly driven or competitive. But there are three things I know I do well. Give a back rub, make an omelet, and give a blowjob. I thoroughly enjoy doing these things and I'm unashamed to say unless I'm drunk or otherwise distracted, I consistently do these three things well.

I love worshiping my Master's cock. I really could not tire of giving him whatever pleasure he wants. The crazy thing is, his and my libido really matched well, too. I like to say I'm insatiable (and I have my moments) but my trip certainly had the perfect balance of good quality downtime, as well. It's funny, it's not that I didn't picture he and I just hanging out, I couldn't really picture it before it happened. You can't know how your personality and face-to-facedness is going to match until you've just actually done it. But there we were, laughing our asses off, watching tons my new favorite show, “The In-Betweeners.” Having those kind of memories as well as the filthy, degrading, stupidly sexy ones makes me just as happy, just in a different way. A more content way, I'd say.

But back to throat raping. I had never really noticed how much I liked it until my Master and I'd done some talking about it (and porn watching of it.) See, because giving a blowjob isn't about control for me. But throat raping is really ONLY about control. Breath control, a hole on my body control, plus it's not like I get to truly worship his cock or do what I want type of control. It's almost like a duel between he and I. I try to make my mouth and throat as willing and as nongag-y as possible, while still sucking and trying to lick and worship. He's throat raping me with more sexual intensity and degradation than I've ever experienced. It's an amazing combination, let me tell you.

And let's be honest. Throat raping. It's a pretty offensive sounding phrase. (which is why when I thought of the blog title this morning, driving my car, it made me happy) But there's 28 very sharp reasons why it's not “rape.” My goal in a throat raping is to still attempt to make my mouth as compliant as possible. Biting his cock is fucking never an option. But then, we're struggling hard on the bed. I'm trying to swallow him whole and not need air. Apparently at one point, needing air became too important and I tapped out UFC-style.

I say apparently because I don't remember tapping out, only that I didn't get unconscious. It was so intense for me, my play with my Master. It was so different than how I've experienced subspace. Playing in the past (or times my Master has talked to me with his Dom voice and sent me off into a fog), it's more like a float-y, sexual, do whatever he wants, say whatever he wants. But really, out of my body. Blindfolds or hoods, loss of my senses is more how I'd experienced it in the past. Like a different type of high. There's times in subspace that I think I might be a masochist. I just want more of anything and everything, pain, fucking, whatever. Just more, more, more.

But times playing with my Master, I experienced a more intense like...interactive space. He really brought out the struggler, the competitor in me. He was never out of my sights, though, and/or I was never off in my head by myself in the fucking least. And subspace also numbs me out to pain a LOT. That and my Master has some really fucking strong hands. So I found myself very, very intensely IN the scene. Feeling the roughness and not just lying complacently taking it, but almost giving it back some.  And at the same time, battling with myself to be obedient as best I can be while I'm struggling to breathe.  I don't feel like I'm completely explaining this well. I wonder if there's different levels of subspace or like a different phrase that I'm unfamiliar with which is what I was experiencing.

I have so many more stories, things to share, hot fucking thoughts and deep thoughts from my trip. I wish life would just go away for about three days so I could just write and write about it. I'm starting a list of things I want to make sure I cover in my blog. There's so much good writing material in my head, I feel like I have gone to a writers' idea think tank or symposium.