So Thankful to be Awaiting Punishment

I'm sure the title of this post is confusing. Especially if you've ever read my blog before and know that disappointing Sir and necessitating punishment is so deplorable to me, it just about makes me nauseous. And the waiting sucks. My imagination races, what will the consequences be?

The reason I am so grateful he's punishing me is because he cares enough to punish me. I fucked up. Big time. The reason the fuck-up is so bad is because it took me almost a week to confess to said mistake (cheating on my assigned eating plan). Let me say this now. I know omitting is the same as lying. And I fucking hate lying. Most people that have known me well would probably say I am fairly brutally honest. But Sir makes Honest Abe look a little shady. He is like the mayor of the city of Truthdom. I know dishonesty equals release.

i had been feeling very disconnected from Sir. And I got very in my head. (This is early last week, I reread my Snippets post and it's funny because I allude to my struggles) I self-harm. No, I don't cut myself (I get super woozy at the sight of blood). I eat. I know what I'm not allowed to eat. And I know eating said things will go against everything Sir and I are working so hard towards (my goals aren't so much a specific size or number more of a general range and a higher fitness level).

And then I finally got brave and wrote to Sir what was getting me so in my head. And he addressed it. Very straightforward. Very reassuringly. And then I felt like even more of a fuck-up. Because I felt more his and more on the track I want to be as far as learning and growing as his submissive. And here, I was lying to him about why I didn't lose a single pound last week. And it was eating at me. (Pun not intended, but kinda funny nonetheless)

I watched most of the Lance Armstrong interview on Oprah. And what struck me more than the cheating was the vehement lying. And even though I didn't hold a press conference and say "I never cheated on Sir's eating plan" I felt just as disgraceful. So it took me awhile to get up the courage to confess. But I knew I had to.

So I cried like a baby and wrote a confessional email. I was so beyond thankful that Sir addressed me immediately. Yes, he is unhappy (fuck! I hate that). But he said "I don't give up that easily" so I knew my release was not imminent. (BIG sigh of relief) then he said "you can't play today. Don't even think about touching my cunt." And that my punishment will come later.

In that one sentence, I might've felt more his than I ever have, I will face my punishment humbly and thankfully. Because I still get to be his.

A Snippet

First off, I just had a deeply satisfying play, so I'm still slightly cum drunk. I used three different toys in my ass (not at the same time, I'm not a side-show whore!) and had snippets of thoughts of pure lust and submission and fulfillment. Not whole scenarios, nothing particularly specific at all. Just fucking what needed to be fucked, hurting other places properly and just feeling really, really good.

I'm in a different place than I've ever been. Being a good girl means taking the best care of myself I ever have as an adult (minus when I was growing a human being, I took that very seriously). My submission is so huge (pretty much a giant lifestyle change) and yet so subtle. I struggle still not just with patience but variations of sexual and yearning type frustrations.

I know it is when I'm in my head, trying to sabotage myself (overthink) and really find myself feeling drone-like, functioning yet out of touch with myself and in a kind of frayed state of mind is when I can't write at all. My orgasms either don't happen or suck (like a little hiccup of one that's similar to dozing for a nap and being startled awake only a few minutes later. You only wish you hadn't bothered in the first place.)

I'm learning. I'm working on retraining myself to be a good girl for Sir. To find my submission in not only eating my assigned meals and doing my regimen of cardio, but trying to relate that to my serving him. It's very foreign to me. I'm working on it. Because I do feel like my life is heading in an amazing direction. And Sir's influence and presence in my life has been such a positive force.

And just because I'm a tired slut who just had like five orgasms, I'm gonna cut this short. I wanted to describe the amazing filthy things I thought about as I fucked my ass and pussy. But now I just want to go snuggle in bed and feel glow-y and content.

Sinful Sunday

A romantic moon on date night.

See who else might be flashing their goodies this Sinful Sunday, hosted by Molly's Daily Kiss.

Songs that Make Me Wanna Fuck

The best way to enjoy this post is to click the link first, so you can hear the song while you read the accompanying text.

(In no particular order)

• Just a Lil Bit by 50 Cent - This was a tough one because Candy Shop is also a song that makes my mouth water (and other places get moist.)  50 makes me want way more than just a lil bit, though.  He might promulgate a thug image, but I kind of also think he's a poet.  And there's a few of his songs that just make me want to beg for it.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=srUNhESQV38
• All I Ever Wanted by Lenny Kravitz - Here is a song that actually almost makes me feel like this song is fucking me.  It starts off sweet, like a love kinda song.  Then as the song goes on, you realize Lenny's not looking for some sweet love.  He's looking to fuck.  Properly.  Like bodies dripping, hair matted, noises that you don't hear in civilized society.  Biting, please god spanking, pinching, fucking.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lOa58gB2faE
• Feel Like Makin Love by Kid Rock - Yes, I know.  Bad Company originally did this song.  That version doesn't so much make me want to rip my clothes off and be filthy.  The way he says the very first "Baby" I want my pussy full of cock.  Once again, "love" is the word that's being used here.  C'mon.  Do you think Kid Rock is singing about holding hands, lighting candles and rose petals on the bed?  I'm guessing more along the lines of a cock shoved down your throat, gagging blow job and then later, bent over the side of a car fucking.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yquhPmU3Ia8
• Feelin' Love by Paula Cole - This song actually makes me wish I could strip tease or pole dance.  I want to strut and grind.  It really just makes me want to be so naughty, the words she says are almost irrelevant and it makes me feel dripping wet, swollen, begging.  Please, please, please...  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SSf6-CGEOb8
• Crazy Bitch by Buckcherry - Here's one that doesn't pretend to involve love.  This one makes me happy.  I like to blast this in my car and sing at the top of my lungs.  I think it's because sometimes (don't we all?) I feel like a crazy bitch.  And it's nice to hear an anthem recognizing the fact that crazy bitches fuck so good, it's worth it.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S8IGQWyBILE
• The Only Time by Nine Inch Nails - "I'm drunk.  Right now, I'm so in love with you.  And I don't wanna think too much about what we should or shouldn't do" and then "while the devil wants to fuck me in the back of his car." Those lines and that beat is a combination that makes me want to feel full (in whichever hole) and beg to cum.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ptvXhRKZTFk
• Tonight by Ready for the World - This song has sentimental value to me.  I actually *was* a virgin when I made out with this ridiculously amazing dude in high school.  I swear, I used to listen to this song over and over again and rub my clit and cum so many times.  So technically, this song didn't actually make me want to fuck.  Just super hot and heavy make out and then later when I'm alone, touch myself.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=fdas_QJyFCU

Sinful Sunday - Date Night

Cute on the outside.
Naughty underneath.

See who else is having fun this Sinful Sunday, hosted by Molly's Daily Kiss.

Sinful Sunday

Took this for Sir.  He said I could share.

See who else is showing some cheek this Sinful Sunday, hosted by Molly's Daily Kiss.

One Serving of Monkey Brain, Coming Right Up!

I feel broken, ruined. I feel like my body lets me down. I revel in being a slut, an orgasm junkie. I've come to terms with the fact that I am a freak of nature, needing/wanting to cum as often as I do. I used to be so embarrassed, felt so greedy. I thought I was miswired, most women my age don't think about sex or cumming nearly as often as I do. And thankfully Sir gets me. I wouldn't say he spoils me, but that's only because I fear he might stop. But I am a very good girl for him and he makes sure my emotional well-being is healthy (which translates to cumming rather often).

But I feel as though I've let He and I both down. This morning, I was told I may cum, but using my hands only. And I struggle, get close, feel like my pussy couldn't possibly throb or feel closer to exploding more. Then....nothing. And I get in my head. And start thinking. Which is exactly the thing that prohibits said pussy explosion. So I try being slutty for Sir, sending a naughty picture. To no avail. I burst out crying, like the melodramatic girl I can be at times. And nothing is more unsexy than crying (unless they are the dried on my face tears from a proper spanking, fucking, et cetera. Those are very hot tears that are filled with gratitude not frustrated angst.)

Thankfully, I get a chance at cumming again later after I finish my cardio. You better believe I'm getting on the bike as soon as humanly possible. Not cumming is horrible two-fold. One, I feel like I've let Sir down. He gave me a naughty just-because play and I couldn't capitalize on it. And two, now I feel like the rage inside me might turn me into She-Hulk.

I know lots of girls can't just cum from their own fingers. And sometimes, I can. Sir proved this to me over Christmas break, when I was in the land of vanilla and family. (1^st try was a swing and a miss, but I was so tired that night, I think I just fell asleep with my hands in my pajama bottoms) He gave me another shot at it the next night and I was inventive enough to suck on my brush handle (I cum so much more easily with my mouth full) and I managed to have a very satisfying orgasm with only my fingers.

I wonder, am I spoiled? Lazy? Impatient? Trained to only cum under certain circumstances?  Or really, is it all in my head? Having cum before with absolutely no stimulation on my pussy or ass (two places that pop into my mind that did the trick are the back of my knee and my lower back being stroked) makes me think it's strictly psychological. Which, honestly, I try not to think about. It's like a magic spell that I can uncast (my pure unadulterated wantonness) if I get too deep into the psychological whys and hows. I don't want to look behind the curtain. I love the magic. And I know, this is just a thing. I'm sure it will work itself out, just as everything else does.